20. Mars Needs Moms (37%)
Everyone was so busy complaining about how let down they were by "Cars 2", they apparently forgot to see Disney's poor attempt at cashing in on Pixar's popularity. The motion capture tech seems a little bit behind its contemporaries. The dead eyes didn't help all of the bored sounding voice-over actors in the movie. I expect so much more from the studio that was smart enough to produce films like "The Muppets".
Most Embarrassing Moment: Dan Fogler
19. The Green Hornet (44%)
I've not yet begun to be okay with Hollywood ruining every good thing that was on television. From "The A Team" to "Transformers", nothing is sacred to the modern day film industry. When ever Seth Rogen talked about "The Green Hornet" it sounded like he knew about the old series, but it was obvious from watching the film, which he co-wrote, that he had no clue. Instead of being an action piece of, at the very least, "Batman Begins" caliber, which it should have been, it was more along the lines of what would have happened if the Three Stooges would have stumbled upon a cache of crime-fighting weapons, but not funny.
Most Embarrassing Moment: Rogen's Hornet actually says lines like, "Balls deep in shit kickin' dudes".
I don't even know if I could write a coherent rant about how boring this film is. It lacks everything a good fantasy should have, especially the power to transport an audience to another, more magical world. The plot is convoluted, the acting is terrible, and the directing is, well... Catherine Hardwicke. The woman who directed "Twilight". If you find a way to not make Gary Oldman scary, by far the easiest thing to do in film, you are bad at your job.
Most Embarrassing Moment: I think misusing Gary Oldman is the biggest sin of this pile.
17. Abduction (4%)
Oh! More "Twilight" alumni. Taylor Lautner is officially the least thrilling action star since... since... huh, I can't think of another example. That's how bad he was in this flaccid action flick that had one of the greatest supporting casts of the year, and was directed by John "Boyz n the Hood" Singleton. I honestly don't think we'll be seeing him alongside the greatest in "Expendables 3", but I'll take him over Chuck Norris... That's who I should have said! Chuck Norris sucks!
Most Embarrassing Moment: Lautner's adoptive parents, who have had him since birth, are killed, and he shows less emotion than a dead fish.
16. The Dilemma (24%)
I wish I could put "The Zookeeper" on this list, but I didn't see it. I did, however, see Kevin James' other stupid movie this year. Vince Vaughn, playing Vince Vaughn, and Winona Ryder but stumble through this sad excuse for a film leaving poor Jennifer Connelly to take up the slack of the extremely horrific script. Which doesn't make sense, because she doesn't belong in a film this bad.
Most Embarrassing Moment: Vince Vaughn trying to intimidate Ryder's lover (Channing Tatum).
15. Paranormal Activity 3 (66%)
The third film in a series of already awful films. This one offered probably some of the most suspenseful moments of the trilogy, but there were so few of them. With little, to no, real scares, it also offers the lamest tie in to the other two films. It's all taken from "home videos" that went missing in what was supposed to be the time of the first two films, that were all shot by the father, and this makes no sense because of the mindless ending of the film. The worst part about this film is probably the fact that they ARE making a fourth, and it will be released this year.
Most embarrassing moment: The demon haunting the house picks the older daughter up by her hair, and it looks like something out a Three Stooges film.
14. Season of the Witch (10%)
Nicolas Cage, surprise!, stars in this silly film about a group of knights transporting a witch to a monastery, and it only gets worse from there. The writing feels every bit as the treatment of the witches in this film, and the special effects are just as bad. Cage is, at no point, believable as a Crusader, not that he is as most anything else.
Most embarrassing moment: Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman have a "you take the group on that side moment", and it isn't badass.
13. Your Highness (26%)
I am a fan of Danny McBride, usually, but he couldn't have been much worse in this film. He writes and stars in this mind-numbing stoner comedy set in the middle ages, and brings James Franco and Natalie Portman down with him. This was the sort of film that you were tired of watching by the end of the opening credits. There isn't much that is pleasant about "Your Highness", and what is, just makes you wish that it was in another movie, so you wouldn't have to sit through everything else.
Most embarrassing moment: The opening credits. Those horrible opening credits...
12. Bad Teacher (44%)
The writing team that thought up the incredibly stupid "Year One" don't fail in bringing you another incredibly stupid film. Cameron Diaz is a wholly unlikable character in every sense. She's not funny when verbally, or physically, abusing children. You know, the way Billy Bob Thornton is. Come to think of it, there isn't one interesting, or decent, character in this whole film.
Most embarrassing moment: Diaz tries to get fathers to pay her extra money at a school car wash so she can get a boob job. Yes, you read that right.
11. Waiting for Forever (6%)
I'm sorry if any of you had never heard of this film before this list. Knowing about it may actually make you dumber. Every trap a bad movie could fall into, this one manages to: bad writing, bad directing, waste of good talent. The leading man, Tom Sturridge, is so anti-charming and talentless, it amazes me that nobody escorted him off of the set during the filming, and threw him in the gutter. Blythe Danner and Richard Jenkins play Rachel Bilson's parents, and make every moment they are on screen pure agony for the audience.
Most embarrassing moment: The static lead male explains how he wants to live in Rachel Bilson's blood stream, and he's a stalker. It's damn creepy.
10. Glee: the 3D Concert Movie (60%)
I don't blame Fox for wanting to cash in on their monster hit of a television show, but I do blame creator Ryan Murphy for trying to ruin television, and the music industry, with "Kidz Bop" the teen years. Every ear bleeding moment of this piece crap is about as worthless as a check from the Greek government. I don't know how any critic watched this poor excuse for a "concert" film and gave it a good grade, it's horrifying!
Most embarrassing moment: The kid in the wheelchair tries his hand at rapping "Empire State of Mind", and fails.
9. Hoodwinked Too! Hood Vs. Evil (11%)
Was this supposed to be an answer to "Shrek"? If it was supposed to be, it was the wrong one. What it was, was a rambling film that had nothing interesting, and wasted the superb talents of pretty much the entire voice cast. I don't know how anyone involved with the film thought they were making anything worth the audience's time, but getting a paycheck is funny sometimes. The right price could buy a whole lot talent to waste, and the producers seemed to have it.
Most embarrassing moment: Brad Garrett does a poorly placed Joe Pesci in "Goodfellas' reference. At least it wasn't "Scarface"... again.
8. Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (5%)
The problem with these kind of crossing dressing comedies is that the writers expect the audience to suspend their disbelief to the fact that nobody in this world can tell that these are guys. Look at them! Either everyone who inhabits this film are really dumb, really blind, or really polite. I try to defend the lack of originality in Hollywood, but when sequels like this pop up, I have no argument, and no excuses.
Most embarrassing moment: Faizon Love, a normally funny actor, develops an attraction to Martin Lawrence's Big Momma, because he's apparently the blindest human being alive.
7. The Change-Up (25%)
Most embarrassing moment: Ryan Reynolds' character is sleeping with a pregnant woman. The implications are more sad than shocking.
6. The Roommate (4%)
Hahahahaha! Hold on a minute, I can't stop laughing at the picture above. There in lies the problem with "The Roommate". Leighton Meester is the least credible threat of any psychopath in any thriller I have ever seen. Minka Kelly, whom I absolutely loved on "Friday Night Lights" gets stuck in this hilarious rehashing of "Single White Female", and just doesn't seem to know what to do with it. Also, Meester's character shoves a cat into a dryer, and I laughed for about 5 minutes straight!
Most embarrassing moment: I don't care, did you read the thing about the cat? So funny!
5. Shark Night (14%)
B movies, should stay B movies. I'm enjoying the neo-grindhouse movement as much as the next bad movie enthusiast, but "Shark Night" manages to ignore the joke, and takes itself entirely too seriously. The actors try to make some sense of the piece, but the more they deliver the lines without a hint of irony, the worse it it becomes for everyone.
Most embarrassing moment: Sara Paxton explains her last date with the main villain of the movie without laughing. And it was a PG-13 horror about killer sharks. Embarrassing.
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tide (33%)
I had to stop paying attention to this film at a couple of points, because with every overblown action sequence, I could feel my brain cells dying. A mostly new cast, and new director, couldn't save this from being just like the two sequels before it, boring and stupid. The plot is too silly, even for this series, Captain Jack is as annoying as ever, and Ian McShane is wasted as Blackbeard. Thanks Rob Marshall, this was worse than "Nine".
Most embarrassing moment: Johnny Depp returned as Captain Jack Sparrow. Despite how Michael Bolton feels about it.
3. From Prada to Nada (21%)
Once again, this is a film you probably better off not knowing about. Here is a misguided retelling of Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility" with sub-par writing and lackluster cast without a decent actor in the bunch. The leads stumble through the film, giving flat performances with little emotion, and Fez from "That 70's Show" happens to be in it. I'm pretty sure between this and "Larry Crowne" that makes him a bad luck charm for directors.
Most embarrassing moment: The father's death at the beginning of the film is so laugh-out-loud funny, you feel bad for anyone that was set that day.
2. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (35%)
Can you not make good films, Michael Bay? Once again, Bay visits Rape-o-nostalgialand, and three films into the horrible series, it just doesn't seem to get any better. "Transformers" only seems to be an excuse to destroy well known cities or landmarks. And seriously, just because this is based off a cartoon, doesn't mean all the human characters have to be cartoony. There is nothing redeeming about any of these movies, and I wish people would stop seeing them, so they would being made.
Most embarrassing moment: Bill O' Reilly. 'nuff said.
1. Melancholia (78%)
I don't know if I hate this film because it was truly THAT terrible, and it was truly terrible, or because it got so much hype from critics. Every performance is stale, and someone should have checked Kirsten Dunst for a pulse, because her limp portrayal could have had her listed DOA. The shaky cam directing, and the over artsy visuals make this a tedious drag of a movie.
Most embarrassing moment: The whole poorly written wedding scene.
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