Pass or Fail: Time Enough at Last

Welcome back to one of my defunct columns. In this column I look at two trailers, with one thing in common, and based just off of my initial reaction, I judge whether or not I think the movie is going to be any good. Today on "Pass or Fail" we will look at a pair of time travel films coming out in 2015. One is found footage action flick, and the other is a dopey comedy.

Pass: Project Almanac (January 30th)

I waited for this to get released all of last year under the title "Welcome to Yesterday", and I never got it. So, I waited. And waited. And now the studio is finally giving it to us! I realize that it is a found footage film, and it was produced by Michael Bay, but bad ideas be damned, this looks like a lot of fun. A group of college age kids stumble upon the secret of time travel, and begin to cause waves in the space/time continuum. This just looks like a lot of fun.

Fail: Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (February 20th)

Why must we be tortured with this lame-brained sequel to a lame-brained movie. A movie that looks so bad that John Cusack bailed on it, and was replaced with Adam Scott. Have you seen some of the crap that Cusack has been in lately? So, the crew from the first film is back, and they have turned the tub back on to stop Rob Corddry's character from getting murdered. Their are so many things in this trailer that made me roll my eyes. I can't assume that there won't be more of those moments in the film itself. Except with a lot more f-bombs.

Extra Pass: Time Crash

Is there any other time traveler more exciting than The Doctor? Probably not. He has been around for over 50 years, and he has been played by more than a dozen actors. Here is a special short made for an annual children's benefit, held in England, starring two Doctors.

2015: My 15 Must-See Movies!

Another year, another round of movies I can't help but want to see. This year has so many films that I'm incredibly excited to see that I couldn't find a way to count them down properly, so I decided to just go ahead and list them based on their chronological release dates.

Jupiter Ascending (February 6th)

I'm a little sad to see this get a February release, because it looks more like a summer blockbuster, and the Wachowskis have a pretty decent track record outside of the two "The Matrix" sequels. This tale of a woman thrust into the middle of outer space politics, because of her destiny to become Queen of the universe, looks thrilling and fun in all of the right ways. Mila Kunis hasn't let me down on screen yet, and Channing Tatum has been growing on me as of late. He is certainly achieving the leading man status that he has earned.

Maps to the Stars (February 27th)

What is not to love about David Cronenberg? He is a dynamic director that makes jarring films about obsession and depravity unlike anyone else. He manages to craft strikingly visual stories with perfect performances from his casts. Julianne Moore has already scored a Golden Globe nod for her performance, and though that doesn't mean everything, it at least means something. I'm absolutely giddy.

Chappie (March 6th)

Neill Blomkamp has made two very excellent films so far, and this looks like it could be another very excellent film. Dev Patel creates an army of law enforcement robots, and when falls into the hands of a couple criminals, he becomes the child in a bizarre family unit as he becomes more sentient. The trailers have been spectacular, and when I see them paired onto just about every movie I have seen so far this year, I become more and more anxious. March 6th isn't coming soon enough!

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (March 6th)

Go ahead. Laugh. The first was so damn charming, that I am willing to get my hopes up entirely too high for the second go around. I also love that I have two Dev Patel films on this list, and they are both coming out on the same day. Look at him Bollywood dancing his way straight into your heart, you cynical cretin. All of the gang is back, the characters still living at least, and they seem to be in great spirits, and Richard Gere is being added to the mix. And, oh, is romance budding for Dame Judi Dench and Bill Nighy in this installment? I'm absolutely giddy (but in a different way from the Cronenberg movie)!

Furious 7 (April 3rd)

So, am I the only who thinks that the "Fast and Furious" franchise has gotten really fun in the last few movies? The first was "meh", the next two were plain awful, and four through six have been gravity defying thrill rides with phenomenal climactic action sequences. I will admit that I am mostly putting this on the list to see how they handle the death of the star of five of the six films. Though, adding Jason Statham, Kurt Russell, and Djimon Hounsou to the already terrific ensemble doesn't hurt either.

Avengers: Age of Ultron (May 1st)

In 2014, Marvel produced the two best films in their cinematic canon, and Joss Whedon is bringing the darkness with this sequel. I know, I know. I said the same thing about "Iron Man 3" a couple of years ago, and we ended up with that annoying kid for comic relief, but we are talking about Joss Whedon here. This man will kill any character at any time, because screw your emotions. The cast has grown in great ways: James Spader as Ultron (pictured above), Elizabeth Olsen as Scarlet Witch, Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Quicksilver, and Paul Bettany comes out of the computer to play Vision. I'm absolutely giddy (but, again, in a completely different way from the other two)!

Mad Max: Fury Road (May 15th)

I'm not even going to write a paragraph. If you can't understand my excitement after watching this bat-shit crazy trailer, then you have no pulse.

Tomorrowland (May 22nd)

Brad Bird! He is finally following up "Mission: Impossible 4", and the teaser for it looks fantastic. We are talking about the man who gave us "The Iron Giant" and "The Incredibles"! These are two of the greatest family films I have had the pleasure of seeing in the theatres. His films are emotional roller coasters that gain vast critical praise, and deservedly so.

Jurassic World (June 12th)

There is something about wanting to see this movie that confuses me. The teaser was fun, but not great, and the story sounds a little on the, "Didn't we already see this in JP3?" side. On the plus side: Chris Pratt is becoming a welcome addition to everything (is awesome!). I will place this on the "Must-see" out of complete morbid curiosity, a 22 year devotion to the brand, and DINOSAURS! Jeezy Creezy, people! There are dinosaurs in this movie! And speaking of dinosaur movies...

Inside Out (June 19th) / The Good Dinosaur (November 27th)

Two Pixar films this year? Yes, please! "Inside Out" is a story of the emotional center of the brain of a preteen girl, and "The Good Dinosaur" is the troubled production that we didn't get last year because John Lasseter replaced director Bob Peterson ("Up") with Peter Sohn ("Partly Cloudy"). Far be it from me to start suggesting that Pixar takes a cue from its Disney sister company, Marvel, and start releasing two films every year, but if both of these films are astoundingly great, I think they should at least consider it. Speaking of Marvel...

Ant-Man (July 17th)

I am going to be honest. The first trailer for this movie is a little underwhelming, and the fact that one of my favorite film makers, Edgar Wright, was forced from the project, doesn't make me feel at ease. With that being said, Ant-Man is such a fun character to explore, that I hope this film is as much fun as some of the other Marvel titles that have been coming out as of late. Director Peyton Reed ("Down With Love") has a solid cast in place, and the writers, Adam McKay and Paul Rudd, were said to have only tweaked Wright's script. I guess we'll see.

Untitled Cold War Spy Thriller (October 16th)

Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks are doing another movie together. Spielberg's last three films made it onto my favorite films lists in the years they were released. Alan Alda and Amy Ryan are also in the cast, but it is the inclusion of Billy Magnussen that has put a little sunshine into my day. His performance in "Into the Woods" was so good, that I'm excited to see what he is capable of in a more serious role. It was also co-written by the Coen Brothers. They have two screenwriting Oscars! I half hope that "Untitled Cold War Spy Thriller" is the actual title of this movie, because it is such a wonderfully goofy title.

Spectre (November 6th)

Does everybody else remember how great "Skyfall" was? If not, you should really look into, because that movie was balls-to-the-wall amazing! And in case you were wondering, here it is on my favorite films of 2012. Sam Mendes is back at the helm, Daniel Craig is back as Bond, and John Logan is writing it again! Mendes has seen fit to add two-time Academy Award winner, Christoph Waltz, as the film's big baddie, and Dave Bautista (fresh off "Guardians of the Galaxy") have been been added to the cast, along with Monica Bellucci as the new Bond Girl.

The Hateful Eight (November 13th)

Quentin Tarantino, at one point, pulled this film from his slate, because it leaked online. Now it is back in existence, and features QT regulars like Samuel L. Jackson, Tim Roth, Zoe Bell, and Michael Madsen, and a host of other great actors including Kurt Russell, Walton Goggins, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Channing Tatum. The plot sounds interesting: a group of assassins get stuck in a blizzard, and begin turning on each other. If anyone can make something that simple interesting, it would be Tarantino. And it has a title that is right up my alley. This may be one of the best of the year. I hope.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (December 18th)

Ok. I know I said I couldn't count them down properly, but how could this not be the number one on my list. It's "Star Wars"! Please save all the prequel hate. It's directed by J.J. Abrams! Please save all of your lens flare hate. It has the original cast back! IT WAS CO-WRITTEN BY LAWRENCE KASDAN!!! I'm flying really close to a dangerous form of optimism with this movie, and I couldn't care less. IT'S "STAR WARS"!!!

What did I miss? What are you excited to see that I didn't put on here? What aren't you excited to see that made it?

Mortdecai (2015)

"Mort"-ifying

Whenever I watch a Johnny Depp movie these days, I am instantly reminded of the Don Coscarelli horror movie, "Bubba Ho-Tep". I continuously think that he was replaced by a look-alike after his smashing success with the first "Pirates of the Caribbean", then he died, and some half-wit doofus is taking whatever role is tossed at him. With his latest stinker, "Mortdecai", in which he plays a bumbling art dealer looking for a missing masterpiece, Johnny's look-alike has found his bottom. This is a daftly unfunny film that is masquerading as clever, but hides behind a few bad running gags, and stale sex jokes, to try to illicit laughs. Any talent in this film, such as Ewan McGregor and Jeff Goldblum, are completely wasted, and the story never gains enough intrigue to be a decent mystery or heist flick. Paul Bettany gives the most earnest performance, but the material is too far below him for his character to be endearing. The only reason, it seems, that this film even got made was because Depp's name is in the producing credits. Good job, Sebastian Haff.

Grade: F
3D: N/A
Easter Egg: No

Starring: Johnny Depp (sort of?), Gwyneth Paltrow, Paul Bettany
Director: David Koepp
Writer(s): Eric Aronson - Novel: Kyril Bonfiglioli
RT: 107 min
Rating: Rated R for some language and sexual material

2014: My 20 Most Hated Films

This is imcomplete, and I apologize for that.

20. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (21%)

I honestly thought this wouldn't make it onto my "Most Hated" list this year. It was pretty awful, but it could have been worse, I guess... maybe... I don't know. The biggest problem of this reboot wasn't just the rewriting of the genesis of the Turtles, but how utterly stupid you had to be to not find holes in every detail about it. The design of the heroes was poorly thought out, and Splinter was downright creepy, but it was Shredder who got the worst of the redesign. Johnathan Liebsman turned him into one of Michael Bay's Transformers, and made him a toadie to William Fichtner's evil CEO. Why?

Most Embarrassing Moment: Every detail about the Turtles' back story.

19.God's Not Dead (17%)

I often wonder, when a film has this little basis in the real world, if people know they are making a terrible film. Every one of the countless plot lines in this garbage college drama feel completely disingenuous, and seemed to do as little fact checking as they could get by with. Or none. The running theme of Christian persecution is entirely laughable, because the mustache twirling villains of this piece have so little shading to their characters that they don't act like actual people. It is funny that what other people see as trying to be part of the American dream, is what some Christians see as persecution.

18. Winter's Tale (13%)

This is such a misguided attempt at a romance with some sort of mystical flare. Colin Farrell is a thief who falls in love with a dying rich girl he tries to rob, and he is on the run from a gangster, played by Russell Crowe, who is a demon. a literal demon. The romance blossoms as the demons begin to descend upon them. The story begins to fall further and further into the sewers (also a little literal) when the young woman dies, and Farrell's thief is thrust into the future for reasons I don't remember, and the convoluted writing just continues to grate on the audience's nerves.

17. Dracula Untold (22%)

What a pile of farts.

16. Ouija (7%)

And another pile of farts.

15. The Pyramid (6%)

More horror farts.

14. Sex Tape (17%)

Why is this the second project that Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz have done together, and the second one that was just absolute garbage? This time the two play a married couple who decide to make a sex tape (video file?) together (in case you missed the title), and it ends up released over all of the Apple devices that they have given out to all of their friends and family. Now the two are in boring race to erase the video before everyone they know sees them getting nasty with each other. The two have so little chemistry together that they feel believable, and situations they get themselves in to become increasingly preposterous. To the point that it comes off as stretching for at least a couple of laughs. Laughs that never manifest.

Most Embarrassing Moment: A family B&E turns into a lecture from YouPorn owner Jack Black.

13. Back in the Day (0%)

Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor from "Smallville") wrote/directed/starred in this misguided big-fish-revisits-his-old-small-pond comedy. Playing an actor, living in California, who comes home to his twenty year high school reunion in order to win back his first love. With ill-timed, and very badly written, poop jokes and characters who aren't at all interesting, played by actors who seem to just be phoning it in. The plot plays much like a dumbed down version of the already less-than-stellar "American Reunion", except you don't have the benefit of already knowing the characters over three previous films.

Most Embarrassing Moment: Harland Williams teaches his son how to fart in his hand, and throw it at people. Not as funny as it sounds...

12. Pompeii (29%)

Paul W.S. Anderson makes a lot of awful movies. Sometimes they are really fun bad movies, and sometimes they are "Pompeii". This is a CG spectacle so bad, and so cartoony, that it is a wonder that anybody thought this would be a good idea. It takes a very Roland Emmerich/Michael Bay disaster film approach to a story that, with some major rewrites, could have been really interesting. Instead, just like James Cameron's "Titanic", it follows a pair of fictional lovers (played by Kit Harrinton and Emily Browning) that manage to survive right up until the very end of the tragedy, and it is never (at any point) interesting to watch them. Their romance is rushed, and the script relies entirely too much on the special effects to convey the plot, instead of focusing on anything substantial. We are given a convenient villain in Kiefer Sutherland's senator, who is over-the-top slimey in order to make you really hate him, but he is a mustache-twirl shy of being Snidley Whiplash. I would have preferred if would have tied someone to some train tracks. Preferably, Paul W.S. Anderson.

Most Embarrassing Moment: Kit Harrington's character wastes time to explain why he hates an already detained Kiefer Sutherland, instead of fleeing the city.

11. 300: Rise of an Empire (42%)

Frank Miller had two dud sequels come out this year, and this one was so limply put together that it hardly registers as an action movie.

Most Embarrassing Moment: Pick any poor shot battle scene.

10. Nurse 3D (69%)

This film wants to be a cult classic so bad, you can see the not-give-a-shit all over the screen. Paz de la Huerta stars as a nurse who stalks cheating husbands and kills them; a concept which is bizarre enough, but is pretty much the B-story of this movie. The main focus of the film revolves around her lusting after her trainee, played by "30 Rock's" Katrina Bowden, who spurns her advances because she is engaged to "High School Musical's" Corbin Bleu. Not a single performance in this movie is above par, and de la Huerta's performance was so bad, that this may be her career killer. The script is filled with goofy, overtly sexual dialogue, and the 3D effects are the kind of schlock that made the technique such a throw-away for so long. People are going to enjoy this film ironically, but that doesn't make it worth a better spot in this list.

Most Embarrassing Moment: Have you ever seen Paz de la Huerta try to act?

9. Left Behind (2%)

A friend of mine said of this film, "If Nicolas Cage is the sanest character of your movie, you know you're in trouble." Sure enough, Vic Armstrong's remake of the Kirk Cameron film (from fourteen years ago) was in dire need of a complete overhaul. The acting was stale from the top down, and the dialogue was so toxic that the words died upon any utterance.

Most Embarrassing Moment: The complete waste of Lea Thompson. She deserves so much better...

8. Transformers: Age of Extinction (17%)

I'm beginning to think I don't even need to watch Michael Bay movies to review them anymore. A lot of bad acting, too much CGI, dialogue that sounds like it was written by a group of third graders trying to sound tough. Every single film he makes just feels like a complete affront to film making as a whole. There is nothing in this film that is salvageable, or worthy of praise. It is one bad scene after another, with terribly shot action sequences, and an over use of slow motion in shots where it barely makes sense. The "good guys" are just as callous and mean as the "bad guys", and not in the fun anti-hero sort of way. By the time they got to the poorly designed Dinobots (over two hours into the movie), it is hard to muster up any emotion toward them. This is a marathon of a movie trying to be cool, and only coming off as a pale imitator of the other horrible films before it.

Most Embarrassing Moment: The creepy incest overtones of Mark Wahlberg's relationship with his daughter.

7. Tusk (39%)

Kevin Smith, where have you gone? Why was this movie made? You unleashed upon us the story of a man who kidnaps a shock-jock podcaster, and turns him into Walrus, and it is a clunky, joyless mess of a movie that fails at any sort of genre it seems to be striving for. Horror? There is never any tension to make the audience uneasy. Cult classic? It feels to intentionally bad to ever contain a moment of even ironic enjoyment. Parody? It never yields any decent laughs to be a sufficient spoof of "The Human Centipede". Every actor seems to be phoning in performances, except Justin Long, who is trying way too hard to be over-the-top. Skip this one, and revisit "Clerks" or "Dogma" again.

Most Embarrassing Moment: So hard to choose from the film itself, but the podcast this film was born from playing over the credits was pretty bad.

6. Dumb and Dumber To (28%)

Twenty years is how long it took to think of this sequel. In that 20 years, and a fistful of other films (a couple of them great), you would think the Farrelly Brothers could have thought up some different jokes to put in the script. Instead, they thought rehashing every single gag from the first movie would be the best way to welcome back their fans. Let's see the check list: Blind kid with dead pets? Check. Most annoying sound in the world? Check. Road trip with a person who is trying to kill them? Check. Showing up at their destination, and wearing a goofy outfit to try to fit in? Check! On top of all of this, they put a bunch of photos from the first movie over the credits to remind you of a much better film. I never thought I would long to watch the mismanaged prequel, "Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd". Thank you for that, Farrellys...

Most Embarrassing Moment: Harry visits his parents, who are Asian, and doesn't realize he is adopted.

5. A Haunted House 2 (8%)

The Wayans Brothers have made some truly awful films ("White Chicks", "Scary Movie 2"), but this one most likely claims the prize as the worst film ever made by a Wayans. Marlon Wayans assumes he is being funny, and edgy, by joking about race and sex, but most of it feels like tired rehashes of jokes made by much funnier comedians and film makers throughout the last 40-50 years. There is a scene in which Wayans has sex, in multiple positions, with the doll from "The Conjuring". This goes on for at least five minutes. If this isn't bad enough, that scene sets up a story line for the rest of the movie. If that sounds awful to you, you are in for this kind of comedy for a rousing 86 minutes.

Most Embarrassing Moment: They loved killing the dog so much in the first one, that they did it twice in this one

4. Best Night Ever (0%)

Last year, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg managed to get a film into my 20 Most Hated List with "The Starving Games" (#12). This year they somehow made an even worse film by scraping the parody model they are known for, and creating an "original" film. This is the sad product of two men who have spent their entire careers making films based off of the work of other people, and it shows in this laughless found footage mash-up of "Bridesmaids" and "The Hangover". The performances are grating, the cinematography takes found footage to its absolute lowest, and the dialogue is forced and strained. I sure hope the title was meant to be ironic, because watching this made for a perfectly awful night.

Most Embarrassing Moment: The lack of a single likable character.

3. The Devil's Due (21%)

I'm willing to admit a bias against "found footage" films, but when crap like this continues to get released, it is hard to figure out why they keep getting realeased (aside from monetary reasons). Lindsay Devlin's script offers so few scares that this could hardly even be considered a horror film, and the direction is so bad, that any impending scare is telegraphed so far in advanced that when it happens, you had imagined something far more terrifying. Zach Gilford is quickly burning up his "Friday Night Lights" good will with me. I hope he finds a good vehicle soon, because I like him too much to not like him.

Most Embarrassing Moment: The last scene of the film sets up for a sequel I hope nobody is interested in seeing.

2. Vampire Academy (11%)

Everybody is trying so hard to make the next "Twilight", and just like "Twilight", they keep making bland, safe, boring supernatural teen romance films. In this latest attempt, a young girl named Rose (Zoey Deutch) is the chosen guardian of an undead princess (Lucy Fry), and they go to a special school together (like Hogwarts, but in Montana), where they deal with vampire bullying. "Vampire Academy" hits every cliche on the way down: best friends turning on each other, the person who seems to be most on the protagonist's side turning out to be the baddest of them all, the public revenge on the high school bully. Duetch and Fry are so dreadful together, and separately, that they make this movie almost impossible to watch. How this film was written by the man who wrote "Heathers", and directed by the man who directed "Mean Girls", the two best girls in high school films I have had the pleasure of seeing, and wound up this bad, I will never know.

Most Embarrassing Moment: Every time Rose's vision links with the princess', and she thinks out loud.

1. The Legend of Hercules (3%)

Everything that Renny Harlin does is a new reason to run from the theatre screaming in terror (there are exceptions). This year he brought us a comically horrible movie based off of none other than Greek demi-god, Hercules. His actors were stiff, his script was tacky, and his cinematography was poor, to say the least. Poorly made action sequences and special effects make every second worse than the last, and the bad attempt at an emotional ending had me out of the auditorium before the credits even started. There really isn't anything salvageable in this movie. At all.

Most Embarrassing Moment: Kellan Lutz's expressionless face.

0. Saving Christmas

I was hoping to see Kirk Cameron's "Saving Christmas", but I had to drive about an hour to see it, and that seemed a little excessive. So, we'll give it an honorary spot until I actually see it.

Strange Magic (2015)

Lucasfilm, and Industrial Light and Magic, should be really proud with how nice their first film under the Disney banner looks. It is jaw-droppingly well animated, and extremely easy on the eyes. Unfortunately, that is the only thing the movie has in its favor. Having to listen to this movie is extremely taxing. The dialogue is rushed, and sounds more like a first draft that never got properly fleshed out. Instead of adding any decent expository dialogue, they film makers added a bunch of horrible jukebox versions of popular songs that somewhat match what is happening in the story. The voice cast never quite gels, and each new addition doesn't match anyone who came before it, so you don't get a good sense of the world. Not to mention the villain is introduced with a song that literally says, "I am evil" at least 5 times. That is just lazy. This whole film is lazy.

Grade: D-
3D: N/A
Easter Egg: No

Starring: Alan Cumming, Evan Rachel Wood, Elijah Kelley
Director: Gary Rydstrom
Writer(s): David Berenbaum, Irene Mecchi & Gary Rydstrom - Story: George Lucas
RT: 99 min
Rating: PG for some action and scary images

Paddington (2014)

"Bear"-able Lightness of Being

When I walked out of Paul King's big screen adaptation of the children's book, "Paddington", I only had one word floating in my head: magical! King wrote and directed a marvelous tale about misfits, family, and that wondrous place we call home. From its first scene, a mock 1940's news reel of a British explorer's trip to the Peruvian Jungle, to its heart-melting conclusion, it maintains a light humor with a few gut-busting laughs, and some great physical gags. The story does become a but formulaic, but it tends to rise above it with great writing, and even greater heart. 

Sally Hawkins and Hugh Bonneville are pure joy as the parents of the Brown family, a family who takes Paddington in. Bonneville is excellently authoritative, and Sally Hawkins is sweet and fun-loving without being over-bearing or annoying. Peter Capaldi is a lot fun as the snooping neighbor, and Nicole Kidman does a serviceable job as the taxidermist trying to catch our hero, to add to her collection. The film is anchored perfectly by the animated bear, voiced by Ben Whishaw (Q from "Skyfall"), who is lovable and naive, and just too adorable for words. This movie has some stumbles, but King's excellent artistic choices, and sharp humor, more than make up for anything slightly worth mentioning.

Grade: A-

3D: N/A

Easter Egg: No

Starring: Ben Whishaw, Hugh Bonneville, Sally Hawkins

Director: Paul King

Writer(s): Paul King (also Screen Story with Hamish McColl) - Character: Michael Bond

RT: 95 min

Rating: PG for mild action and rude humor

Blackhat (2015)

Complete Hacks

A tepid thriller is always difficult to watch. Especially when every decisions made by the protagonists are the absolute dumbest decisions any character can make in a movie. Being able to out think people who are supposed to be intelligent characters is taxing. So is groaning at every convenient twist and turn that Michael Mann threw in to get from one snoozer of a plot point to the next. Unfortunately, none of the performances from the actors were spectacular enough to make up for the poor script, but all of them were adequate enough to at least make them believable as human beings. Really stupid human beings. An excellent score by Atticus and Leo Ross, and Stuart Dryburgh's beautiful cinematography are about the only things worth the price of admission.

Grade: D

3D: N/A

Easter Egg: No

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Viola Davis, Leehom Wang

Director: Michael Mann

Writer(s): Morgan David Foehl

RT: 133 min
Rating: R for violence and some language

Taken 3 (2015)

Nap "Taken"

When this blog started, it must have seemed like Liam Neeson was a god. Well, to prove that even gods make mistakes, he went ahead an signed on to make "Taken 3" (or "Tak-three-n", I guess). I realize the first two aren't exactly "The Godfather", but the first one was a hell of a lot of fun, and the second (Two-aken?) was at least passable. This installment just lays a little flat, and never manages to gain any real tension (and they kill Famke Janssen in the beginning of the movie, which sucks). Olivier Megaton shoots action sequences too fast for the audience to register what is happen, thus killing any excitement for the outcome. He also never makes the lives of our main characters really hang in the balance, so you never feel any dread for them. The only well-rounded individuals (and half decent performances) among these characters are Liam Neeson and Forest Whitaker (playing a wise detective on the hunt for Neeson). The rest of them fit into two categories: this person might as well be dead already, or you remember this person from the other films. "Blah" is about the strongest emotion I pulled from this movie.

Grade: D
3D: N/A
Easter Egg: None

Starring: Liam Neeson, Forest Whitaker, Maggie Grace
Director: Olivier Megaton
Writer(s): Luc Besson & Robert Mark Kamen
RT: 109 min
Rating: PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, and for brief strong language

Two Sentences:

Son of a Gun (2014): This is a fairly decent heist film that happens to fit many cliches as it chugs along. A great performance from Ewan McGregor keeps it being entirely forgettable, but, in the end, it will just be thrown on to the January heap of "that could have been worse" films.

Grade: C

The Wedding Ringer

"Ring"ing in the New Year

Three opening weekends into the new year, and we already have a film that is going to be hard to top for "Dud of the Year". Jeremy Garelick directed and co-wrote (with Jay Lavender) a torturous comedy about a loner (Josh Gad) who needs a best man and groomsmen for his wedding, so he turns to a best-man-for-hire (Kevin Hart) to handle this for him. Once you get over how awful that premise is, you are then bombarded with scene after scene of lame homophobic and fat jokes, and bad set-ups that are a series of disconnected ideas thrown together haphazardly. It is not a good sign in any movie when a Joe Namath cameo is the most humorous thing that happens.

At no point do you come to care enough about Gad's character, or his relationship, to want to know whether or not his wedding goes well. Garelick gives you such a horrendous introduction to him at the top of the movie, and finds a dozen ways to make him pathetic, but never sympathetic. As the eponymous character, Kevin Hart does his normal fast talking, scheme hatching Kevin Hart bit. It's fine that he has found a niche in cinema, but as we found out with last January's "Ride Along", this character isn't enough to sustain a leading role. When you get him bit characters, and cameos, like Chris Rock's "Top Five", you get some honest laughs from him. The rest of the ensemble doesn't get much better, and too many wacky people are introduced too fast to find any decent characters among the bunch. After a while they have heaped so many zany characters on you, that it begins to feel like overkill when they give even more. Do yourself a huge favor, and skip this one.

Grade: F
3D: N/A
Easter Egg: None

Starring: Josh Gad, Kevin Hart, Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting
Director: Jeremy Garelick
Writer(s): Jeremy Garelick & Jay Lavender
RT: 101 min
Rating: R for crude and sexual content, language throughout, some drug use and brief graphic nudity.

2014: My 20 Favorite Films of the Year

Can I just say that this has been my favorite year in cinema for quite some time. Perhaps in 15 years. Even some of the huge releases I was scared to see, sequels and reboots and such, turned out to be better than some of the originals, and I hope 2015 becomes an extension of this, because my "Must See" list is going to include a lot of sequels. A LOT! It was an exciting year for me because some well established film makers made my favorite pieces of theirs (Jim Jarmusch, Richard Linklater), and some newcomers (Justin Simien made veterans look like rookies (I'm looking at you Ridley Scott). I missed a few films along the way that I really wanted to see, but, in turn, I saw so many great films this year that I could honestly do a top 50 films list... Actually, that isn't a terrible idea! Here goes!

50. Fury - This is possibly the best war film that has been made in years, and it reintroduced the world to the concept of Shia LeBeouf as a good actor.

49. Into the Woods - 12 years after striking gold with his adaptation of Chicago, Rob Marshall made a stunning adaptation of Stephen Sondheim and James Lapine's fairy tale masterwork. Though it was scrubbed up for Disney audiences, it still plays beautifully.

48. Interstellar - Christopher Nolan took us into vast reaches of space in this epic, and gave us an incredible story about family, obsession, and survival.

47. Grand Piano - Calling this film Hitchcockian sounds like an insane amount of praise, or hyperbole, but Eugenio Mira has captured the auteur's style near perfectly.

46. Willow Creek - Found footage has found its champion! This film is never boring, always finds its cameras properly placed, and keeps the terror off screen, making it far more terrifying.

45. The Congress - Robin Wright shines in this beautifully written sci-fi as a fictional version of herself living in a drug induced cartoon world years after she has let herself become an avatar in the film industry.

44. Blue Ruin - A revenge film about a drifter who is forced to protect his family from the men he is trying to kill. It is quiet, stark, and violent in all the right ways.

43. Locke - Tom Hardy handles a master class in acting in this film about a man losing his grip on the world while on a car trip to see the woman he accidentally got pregnant.

42. Joe - When an ex-con, played by Nicolas Cage at his best, takes a 15 year old boy under his wing, apparently magic happens.

41. The Trip to Italy - A sequel to a film that made its way onto my twenty favorite films list the first year I ran this blog. Now the two are men are back, eating expensive food, doing Michael Caine impressions, and dealing with their insecurities.

40. Noah - Director Darren Aaronofsky tweaked and updated the biblical story of Noah's Ark, and shaped Noah into his regular protagonist model. The result was a wondrous epic complete with giant rock monsters!

39. Wild - This affecting true tale of a woman trying to get her life back on track, by walking 1100 miles, was certainly the best I have ever seen Reese Witherspoon on screen.

38. Young Ones - A beautifully bleak dystopian future flick that surprised me with its depth and quality. Nicholas Hoult and Kodi Smit-McPhee turn in a pair of haunting performances.

37. The Tale of Princess Kaguya - Gorgeously animated and wildly original, this story of a young girl found in a bamboo stalk is breathtaking. Isao Takahata has made my favorite film of his since 1988's "The Grave of the Fireflies".

36. Still Alice - Julianne Moore shines as a linguistics professor struggling with early onset Alzheimer's. Watching her deteriorate slowly is absolutely heartbreaking in every way.

35. Begin Again - This is a fun, bubbly movie from "Once" writer/director John Carney. Mark Ruffalo and Keira Knightley have great chemistry together, and James Corden is always welcome in any film.

34. Top Five - Chris Rock wrote, directed, and starred in this marvelous story about a comedian trying to find respect after a string of empty successes and fighting alcoholism. It is funny, poignant, and  awkward in all the right places.

33. Pride - Based on the true story of British gay political group raising money for a striking Welsh mining community in the 1980's  is emotionally fulfilling, and extremely uplifting. It was a joy watching two oppressed communities come together in a time of need.

32. Force Majeure - 2014 was an interesting year for marriage in cinema. This Swedish film about a family who experiences an avalanche while on vacation, and has their faith in each other shaken. The fallout of the events is harrowing, and the performances are some the year's best.

31. Obvious Child - It is nice to see that someone in cinema can be an adult about the subject of abortion. Jenny Slate is wonderful in this romantic comedy about a young woman coming into her own while dealing with the mistakes she makes. Thank you, Gillian Robespierre.

30. Edge of Tomorrow - Poor marketing and a bad title almost kept me from wanting to see this, but that was a huge mistake, because this film was absolutely phenomenal. Tom Cruise carries it well, and Emily Blunt is a pure badass.

29. Inherent Vice - Paul Thomas Anderson strikes again with this bizzare noir about a man looking for his missing ex-girlfriend, and her lover, who might be missing at the hand's of his wife and her lover. Joaquin Phoenix is tremendous, and the ensemble just shines in this twisty-turny tale.

28. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - Whoever thought the sequel to a reboot would be worthy of praise, and possibly award consideration? Every bit as smart as any other "Apes" film, and positively boiling over with stunning performances from both human cast and the mo-cap apes.

27. Mr. Turner - When will Timothy Spall get the recognition he so richly deserves for his deep performances in every film he is in? Hopefully soon, because he was absolutely perfect as J.W.M. Turner in Mike Leigh's quietly stunning biopic.

26. Foxcatcher - Steve Carrell, Channing Tatum, and Mark Ruffalo all put in their absolute best performances in Bennett Miller's biopic about Gold Medal wrestlers Mark and David Schultz. It is a riveting story about competition, jealousy, and privilege.

25. We Are the Best! - Three 13 year-old Swedish girls decide to start a punk band after punk has "died" in the '80's. Simple concept, simple execution, simple to fall in love with.

24. The Babadook - Australian film maker Jennifer Kent makes this year's best horror film about a single mother whose son sees a storybook character every where he goes. Actress Essie Davis perfectly captures the fears of single parenting, as she is pushed close to the edge, in this glorious allegory.

23. Dear White People - I want to thank Justin Simien for making such a timely and honest film about race relations. It was refreshing to see that nobody was spared from the ugliness and hypocrisy of racism (or homophobia) in his debut movie about life on an Ivy League college campus.

22. Calvary - A man walks into a priest's confessional and tells him, due to the sexual abuse he endured at the hands of the priest, he is going to murder this innocent man. This Irish made movie, from John Michael McDonagh, is tense and wonderfully crafted.

21. Frank - Domhnall Gleeson plays a young keyboardist who joins a band, fronted by a eccentric music genius (Michael Fassbender) who wears a fake head, just before they lock themselves away to record an album. It is refreshingly funny, and surprisingly emotional. The soundtrack is also incredible.

20. Snowpiercer

Acclaimed Korean director Joon-ho Bong made his English Language debut in stunning fashion with a post-apocalyptic sci-fi-action-thriller about a band of survivors living on a train. The land outside is frozen, and the moving train is the only thing that can keep them safe. The cinematography is beautiful and dark. The action scenes are well put together and intense. The story is astonishing and is a grand parable about ever widening class separation. Bong's ensemble, including Chris Evans, Jamie Bell, and an almost unrecognizable Tilda Swinton, is absolutely on point. I'm still having trouble picking my jaw up from the floor.

Moment I Fell in Love: Lights go out, and then a perfectly edited battle breaks out.

19. The Double

So, in England there is this wonderful comedian named Richard Ayoade, and those in the know about him, love him immensely. Now he is directing, and the two films he has under his belt have both been fantastic. His sophomore effort, however, is terrifically stunning. He has cast a perfect Jesse Eisenberg in a dual role, playing an awkwardly shy office drone and his exact doppelganger, with the opposite personality, who is slowly replacing him. Based off of the Fyodor Dostoyevsky novella, it is updated, and filled to the brim with great humour.

Moment I Fell in Love: Wallace Shawn is in this movie!

18. The Rover

Why do I seem to be the only one who fell head over heels in love with David Michod's latest opus? It is based 10 years after an incident simply known as "the collapse", and the world is a desolate, desperate place. A man (Guy Pearce) has his car stolen, and kidnaps one of the thieves' brother (Robert Pattinson) in order to track them down. The film quickly devolves into a violent downward spiral. Guy Pearce is excellent as always, and Pattinson is near unrecognizable in his role. Every moment with these two on their uncomfortable road trip is captivating.

Moment I Fell in Love: A very well shot car crash really sets off the action of the film.

17. The One I Love

Mark Duplass and Elizabeth Moss are the picture of perfection in Charlie McDowell's rousing tale of a marriage in disrepair. It is truly difficult to explain the things that made this film so utterly enthralling, because it is sort of a surprise, and I do want people who haven't seen it to enjoy that surprise. McDowell made a quirky film with so many awkwardly timed moments. The writing is sharp, and the on-screen couple has such great chemistry together. I sincerely believe these two should be in every movie together.

Moment I Fell in Love: When the secret of the guest house is revealed.

16. Guardians of the Galaxy

The Marvel Universe got weird this year. Breaking from the normal mold of super heroes saving the earth, they decided to focus on a group of intergalactic criminals (among them a talking raccoon and a walking tree) as they try to do the right thing, and save the galaxy from a murderous psychopath wielding an enormous amount of power. James Gunn, a cult fan favorite, expanded the universe in fun and unexpected ways, bringing along a pitch perfect cast, and some of the best action scenes in film this year. This film was endearingly funny, and had a lot of heart to boot.

Moment I Fell in Love: "I need that guy's leg."

15. Birdman or: (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

I want to start by saying that Michael Keaton was so good in this movie, that he should be a lock for the Academy Award, but I understand if there is some competition. Alejandro González Iñárritu did so many things right with "Birdman", so damn many things. There is Keaton, and then there is the marvelous ensemble including Edward Norton, Naomi Watts, and a never better Emma Stone. His long-time collaborator Emmauel Lubezki shot the film as one take, and it looks gorgeous. The soundtrack, by Antonio Sanchez, is mostly just drums that accent the manic nature of the film wonderfully. The more I think about this movie, the higher it gets on my list.

The Moment I Fell in Love: Simply reading the title.

14. Chef

Jon Favreau has written and directed a lot of films I am very fond of (and also, "Iron Man 2" which is just okay). With his newest offering, "Chef", he has easily managed to top them all. This isn't the kind of film that is going to change the way films are made, or even find a lot of award buzz, but it is fun little indie with a lot of heart. Favreau plays a renowned L.A. chef who loses his job after he blows up at a critic (Oliver Platt). With his new free time, he buys a food truck, and takes it on the road with his son, and for his former partner (John Leguizamo). His cast is on fire, his script is light and energetic, and you can tell he was having a good time making it.

The Moment I Fell in Love: The interaction between Favreau and his kitchen staff, which includes John Leguizamo and Bobby Cannavale.

13. Ida

This was a sleeper for me. It came completely out of left field, and just shocked me on a couple of levels. First, it shocked me with its quality. Pawel Pawlikowski co-wrote (with Rebbeca Linkiewicz) and directed an emotional journey of a young woman (Agata Trzebuchowska) in the 1960's, on the verge of taking her vows, that discovers the truths of her past, and her estranged family. It is thoughtful and poignant, and masterfully crafted in every avenue. Second, it shocked me with its content. The film takes a few twists and turns, and ends up in a few places you don't really expect it to go. By the time the credits roll, there are moments that have already made their way into your psyche, and will stay with you for some time.

Moment I Fell in Love: Wanda (Trzebuchowska) meets her aunt for the first time, and learns the first piece of her past.

12. Selma

Most of this year's biopics and "true-to-life" films were very bland ("The Theory of Everything"), or somehow managed to fall a little short on emotion ("Get On Up"), even if they were very well made. Selma, on the other hand, hits every emotional cue, and managed to gain a lot of tension along the way. Watching Martin Luther King, Jr. (David Oyelowo) and Lyndon Johnson (Tom Wilkinson) go head to head in a battle of wills is every bit as engrossing as one would hope. The stakes are very high, and neither man is willing to give up ground. Ava DuVernay should be heaped with praise for finding the heart of such a subject, and handling it with extreme care.

Moment I Fell in Love: An elderly man tells Dr. King about his son's promise that he will vote.

11. Big Hero 6

There are many good superhero films coming out these days, and as long as they're as great as they have been in 2014, I hope they continue to get made. "Big Hero 6" was among the best of this year's crop. After a young robotics genius loses his brother in a fire, he teams up with his brother's creation, and former lab mates, to catch his killer. It is an action packed animated movie that is a lot of fun, and makes heroes of the nerds in a very positive way. Disney gave life to Duncan Rouleau and Steven T. Seagle's comic, and made a beautiful film about pain and loss. Then they sold it to children! Brilliant.

The Moment I Fell in Love: Hiro, the young protagonist, takes a small underdog robot into an underground "Battle Bots" style fighting ring.

10. Gone Girl

David Fincher is possibly one of the best director working today. His constant appearances on my favorite films lists should be proof enough of that. His adaptation of Gillian Flynn's novel (from her script) is a stunning meditation on marriage, and it will leave you speechless. Especially if, like myself, you have not read the novel. He is one of the few directors that makes my must-see lists on name alone. His cast is crammed with peak performances, including a star-making turn from Rosamund Pike playing Amazing Amy. Throw in beautiful cinematography from Jeff Cronenweth, and a truly inspired score from Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, and this movie will stay with you for days after.

Moment I Fell in Love: When it was revealed what happened to Amy after her kidnapping.

9. Whiplash

There is something about Damien Chazelle's sophomore film that made me completely uneasy. Maybe it was the rapid-fire editing. Maybe it was the almost horror movie like pacing. Maybe it was J.K. Simmons being the most frightening villain this side of Heath Ledger's Joker. Whatever it was, it made for one hell of a great time in the theatre. This small film about a young drummer (played by Miles Teller in perfect form) in a music conservatory, trying to make it in a jazz ensemble was absolutely breathtaking. The student/mentor relationship is abusive and engrossing. It just dares to ask the question, "Can greatness be achieved without complete pain and sacrifice?"

Moment I Fell in Love: The impromptu audition that kicks the film off.

8. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (Must See #2)

Marvel was on top of its game in 2014, and the Russo Brothers got to kick it off in April with the sequel to "Captain America: The First Avenger". It was absolutely marvelous in every way (no pun intended). The story had far reaching implications in the overall universe, as well a for the characters personally. "Winter Soldier" was part shoot-em-up action movie, and part political thriller, and it managed to be the best comic book film since 2008's "The Dark Knight". Chris Evans coolly proved how capable he is as an action star with a charming, and quite unarming, portrayal of a man trying to catch up to world that is constantly shifting under his newly unfrozen feet. Adding Robert Redford as the SHIELD higher up, Alexander Pierce, and Anthony Mackie as The Flacon (the best of the Phase 2 comic relief) was quite a nice touch, as well. "Avengers: Age of Ultron" has a lot to live up to, and I hope Whedon is up to the challenge of topping this.

Moment I Fell in Love: "On Your Left!"

7. Big Bad Wolves

When I sat down to watch Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado's dark comedy-thriller, I didn't know what to expect, and what I got was brutal, thoughtful, and supremely entertaining meditation on revenge. Keshales and Papushado both wrote and directed a superb film about a suspected child molester/murderer who is kidnapped by a victim's father and a disgraced detective. "Wolves" makes a point of turning the men seeking revenge into complete monsters, questioning the difference between revenge and justice, and how revenge consumes the soul, and eventually destroys it. In a way, the initial plot reminded me a lot of Fritz Lang's "M", but soon the comparisons fell away, and I was treated to something equally as beautiful and horrific.

The Moment I Fell in Love: During an interrogation, the child murderer keeps "running into" an interrogators' fists.

6. Nightcrawler

Welcome to my must watch list, Dan Gilroy! If his follow-up to "Nightcrawler" (his debut feature) is even half of the film that this was, it is going to make my top 20 list in whatever year it comes out. Gilroy not only wrote and directed a solid movie that should be studied for years to come, but he gave Jake Gyllenhaal the best best role of his career, and, in turn, Gyllenhaal gave his finest performance as Lou Bloom. He made Bloom a believable manipulative sociopath (think Travis Bickle with more tact) who is willing to do or say whatever he needs to get the things he puts his mind towards. The script is rife with social commentary, and is a perfect representation of the modern media landscape.

The Moment I Fell in Love: Gyllenhaal's Lou Bloom tries to ask for a job from a man who has just purchased stolen construction from him.

5. Only Lovers Left Alive

When an already established film maker makes a good film, it is reason to celebrate, but when that film maker creates what is arguably the best of his career, it is reason to start handing that person awards. Jim Jarmusch has written and directed a gorgeous film that is, in equal parts, poetic and bleak. It uses two vampires (Tom Hiddleston and Tilda Swinton), in a centuries old marriage, as an allegory for addiciton, and a love letter to Jarmusch's long time partner. With Yorick Le Saux as his director of photography, Jarmusch captures the moody lovers with slow precision, and quiet contemplation. Hiddleston and Swinton play Adam and Eve (our lovers) with pitch perfect performances; capturing every nuance of the layered script. To say I love this film is possibly the understatement of the year.

Moment I Fell in Love: When John Hurt is introduced as Christopher Marlowe, the vampire who wrote all of Shakespeare's plays. In the film, of course...

4. The Lego Movie

I was not a fan of Phil Lord and Christopher Miller's "21 Jump Street", so I was a bit worried when they were listed on this film. Much to my surprise, they pulled off a brilliantly emotional and hyper-active family film focused on the power of imagination. An average construction worker, who always follows the instructions, accidentally finds a piece of plastic that is said to be able to save the world. Along with a wizard, a rebellious woman with multi-colored hair, an astronaut, and Batman he sets off to beat the evil President Business. Along the way they all learn about heroism, courage, and teamwork. It really is hard to explain exactly how good this film is without spoiling the ending for everyone, but trust me, "Everything is Awesome!"

Moment I Fell in Love: A sudden shift in focus turned this into a completely different film.

3. A Field in England

There are moments in this drug trip English Civil War drama that I'm still not sure I comprehended properly, and that may be the best part of it. Emerging director, Ben Wheatley, bombards the screen with drool-worthy imagery, and his actors don't hold anything back with their visceral performances. He has shot it in the vain of Ingmar Bergman, and the black and white photography is absolutely stunning. I was entranced from beginning to end with the way this movie looked. The only negative thing I can say about it, was that I'm sure I'm one of the few that will actually love it.

The Moment I Fell in Love: I'm pretty sure it happened during one of the many jarring slow-motion shots or tableaus.

2. The Grand Budapest Hotel

There is so much about Wes Anderson that I love, and he seems to have put all of it into "The Grand Budapest Hotel". This movie was Anderson, at his most Wes Anderson-y. His dialogue is absolutely perfect, and his characters are as zany as ever. Every shot is perfectly captured. Every performance is excellently crafted. Every beat is expertly hit. It is hard for me to not gush over every aspect of this movie. From the ground up, it is a perfect film.

Moment I Fell in Love: I'm sure I fell for this movie during the trailer.

1. Boyhood

Last year Richard Linklater created what I thought was going to be the best film of his career, with "Before Midnight". This year he made an epic so grand, that he might have made one of the single greatest films in history (and that is not hyperbole). "Boyhood" is so beautiful, and so absolutely perfect in every way. It takes place over the course of 12 years of one young man's life, using the same actors over 12 years of filming. That concept alone is awe-inspiring enough, but it is used to tell such a simple story that never strays into the usual movie trappings by blowing everything up for the sake of drama. Every trope is cast aside in order to tell an honest story about life and the pains of growing up. There just isn't anything like it in cinema, and it will studied for years to come.

Moment I Fell in Love: The 160 or so minutes before the credits rolled.