20. Underworld: Awakening (26%)
I was shocked to see this movie happened. They keep releasing sequels in this series, and they only seem to keep getting worse. Please, Kate Beckinsale, I urge you to stop signing onto these movies, because I'm beginning to get worried about you. When you can't get your leading man back, and are forced to kill his CGI image in the first ten minutes of film, you should know to stop making the films. The rest of the movie doesn't get any better from there.
Most Embarassing Moment: The whole deal with Scott Speedman being digitally inserted.
19. Rock of Ages (41%)
I'm usually fine with adaptations if the keep the spirit of what they updating, and "Rock of Ages" took all of the fun and self-parody out of the stage play, and turned into a more serious, somewhat jokey, version of itself. What else can we expect from the director of the horrible film version of "Hairspray"? A screechy lead actress, a lack of chemistry of anyone on screen with anyone else, and "Don't Stop Believing" are just a few things that make this unbearable to watch. About the only thing that is watchable in this film is Paul Giamatti.
Most Embarassing Moment: The opening song fails to set the film up.
18. Dark Tide (0%)
This is one of those films in which a star has fallen so far from grace, they will do anything to try to get back on top. "Dark Tide" was Halle Berry's way of trying to remind people that she was once a hot commodity, by featuring her heavily in a bikini. It was as if she was saying, "Remember when showing my breasts in "Swordfish" was news worthy?" And the answer was, "If it wasn't for some expert underwater cinematography, no one would even care that this movies existed."
Most Embarassing Moment: Anything not shot above water.
17. This is 40 (51%)
Apatow is usually very spot on with the work he puts out. "40 Year-Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up" had a lot of heart, and "Bridesmaids", which he produced, was easily one of the best films of last year. This film, however, lacks any shred of happiness, or decency. There is a moment in the beginning of the film when the family is arguing over whether music should make people happy, or if it should make people feel something deeper. "This is 40" did neither.
Most Embarassing Moment:
16. The Three Stooges (52%)
How do you ruin "The Three Stooges?" It is three grown men hitting each other with blunt objects! It shouldn't be that hard to make it at least entertaining. It wasn't. Not even the least bit. The three leads were awful together, and trying to get from gag to gag was painful. With "There's Something About Mary" and "Kingpin", it seemed like the Farrelly Brothers were poised to be the reining kings of comedy for years to come. After this and "Hall Pass", I'm ready for them to never make another film again.
15. Silent Hill: Revalation (6%)
Sequels that don't need to happen happen all the time, and this one, for whatever stupid reason, happened. It took six years to get it out, but it happened. A rushed story and clunky dialogue were expected, and bad acting was bound to happen. What I didn't expect was Sean Bean just crapping all over the film, collecting his paycheck, and making me sad that I am a fan of his. I watched the Youtube compilation of him dying about twenty times just to be able to look at him in better films again.
14. The Lorax (55%)
This is the worst thing to happen to Dr. Suess since he died. "The Lorax" is one of his best books, and the moral center of it didn't need a bunch of bells and whistles to be that way. What Illumination Entertainment has done is try to make it more of a companion piece to its inexplicably popular film "Despicable Me" instead of creating a robust fantasy world that could stand on its own. The poorly written music and bad comedy that was put in it didn't help me like it any better.
Most Embarassing Moment: The Onceler's song about being greedy.
13. Dark Shadows (38%)
There isn't much that is redeeming about Tim Burton's adaptation of one of the most horrible shows in the history of British television. The writing is massively sub-par, and the acting is completely stale, except for Johnny Depp, who continues to play Jack Sparrow in every movie he is in (and it looks like he play him in "The Lone Ranger"). Burton continues to miss the mark with every new film he manages to crap out. This especially pains me, being a fan of his for as long as I can remember.
Most Embarassing Moment: A toss-up between Depp's unimaginative performance and Johnny Lee Miller's hair
12. 21 Jump Street (84%)
Most Embarassing Moment: The two leads take the synthetic drug they are trying to stop, and hilarity does not ensue.
11. Playback (0%)
Toothless horror films are some of my favorite films. They tend to take themselves as serious as they possibly can, and never seem to become suspenseful at any point. "Playback" lacks any sufficient scares, and boasts a group of actors who seem as if they could care less if it does. I laughed more in this film than any other comedy on this list combined.
10. Nature Calls
Patton Oswalt has had a mostly solid career. Which makes me wonder if this was a passion project, or a favor to a friend, because there is nothing worth watching in this film. Johnny Knoxville and Rob Riggle (who is just an awful actor) scream their way through Todd Rohal's flat script. A script that is filled with a lot verbal abuse toward women and even more cussing at children. I guess that is supposed to be funny. Maura Tierney is too talented for this film, and Patrice O'Neal died before it came out. What a horrible film to be your last.
9. The Watch
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Aliens attack a sleepy suburban neighborhood, and so do a bunch of improvised semen jokes. This film was an absolute waste of any talent that crossed the screen. Especially the brilliant comic mind of Richard Ayoade (pictured above for people who haven't yet discovered "The IT Crowd"). The aliens looked kind of cool, but they were used in such a bad fashion that I almost wanted to give up being a sci-fi fanatic.
8. Beneath the Darkness
This may have been the funniest horror/suspense film of the year. Dennis Quaid plays a creepy guy living in an old house, doing weird shit, and a bunch of teenagers try to figure out what he is up to. It's like "Fright Night" minus the vampires, or anything interesting. I hope 2013 holds as bad of horror films as this mess, because I'm always in the mood for a good laugh.
7. Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection
Tyler Perry tried his best, or at least I assumed he tried, to capitalize on the current economic crisis with a terribly unfunny comedy. Serving as writer, producer, director, three different roles, and probably script supervisor, best boy grip, and assistant gaffer as well, he does nothing from letting this film go down the toilet very fast. Bad performances stem from a script so horrendous it felt like a rushed, and obvious, cash grab. After his far better "Good Deeds" from early in the year, I was hoping not to see Madea on screen again. High hopes always lead to larger disappointments.
6. The Campaign
Will Ferrell. What can I say? He just continues to pile crap on top of crap. "Anchorman", "Blades of Glory", "Step Brothers", "Semi-Pro", and now this. He teams up with Zach Galifanakis (who also has some awful films to his credit) to produce of barrage of unfunny jokes and scenes connected together to make a preposterously bad film that drags down the likes of John Lithgow and some other note worthy actors who don't belong here.
5. Piranha 3DD
There is the fine line between making campy horror, and a really bad film. "Piranha 3D" was campy and fun, relishing in the fact that it was gleefully skipping into cult status. "Piranha 3DD" lacked any of the things that made its predecessor such a goofy film. Instead it was a rushed, stupid mess that focused so hard on blood and boobs that it forgot anything else, and just stole its plot mainly from Jaws 3 (the second worst Jaws). It was sad to watch this attempt to start a franchise that should never be.
4. Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
I really don't know what I expected when I watched this movie, and I got an experience I wish I could wipe from my memory. This niche style of comedy does not appeal to me, and the fact that it will drag jokes on long after they stopped being funny is such a bore that I think I may fallen asleep at some point, just to wake up and realize that going back to rewatch what I missed was not worth it. Or I just repressed the memories of those moments because they were that horrifying.
3. The Devil Inside
I dislike the found footage genre. I have probably said this a thousand times, and this was the worst of the entire lot this year. Where "End of Watch" and "Chronicle" had things I truly liked about them, this piece of crap had nothing redeeming. The story was weak, the actors were laughable, and it had no ending (something that actually worked for "Killer Joe"). I felt like I needed an exorcism after this movie, just so I could get it out of my system.
2. That's My Boy
Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg released two movies together this year. One was the entertaining, but overall middling "Hotel Transylvania". The other was this wretched pile of Happy Madison nonsense. It had all of the immature staples of a bad Sandler film, a couple of cameos that could have been good, but lasted too long to be funny, and Nick Swardson playing another REALLY stupid character. I know this was an easy, and predictable pick to be this high, but it really was THAT bad.
1. The Comedy
The funniest about "The Comedy" is its horribly ironic title. This is the second entry on this list to feature "comedians" Tim & Eric, and for good reason. This one, however, was directed by Rick Alverson and written by some other people, who I honestly don't care to look up. I thought it couldn't get any worse than the other piece of crap they released earlier in the year, but it did. This film was so bad, I couldn't even finish it. That is an honor only placed amongst a handful of other films including "Catwoman" and "The Phantom of the Opera" with Gerard Butler. (P.S. I wrote the introduction before I tried to watch this.)
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