Movie 43 (2013)

I Got 43 Problems...

Instead of writing a paragraph review of this laughless, horrendous excuse for a meta-comedy. I figured I would just list the names of the award-winning and nominated actors in this film that made me shake my head when they popped up in it, and the award they won, or almost won.

Dennis Quaid (Nominated - Golden Globe - Best Supporting Actor - "Far From Heaven")
Greg Kinnear (Nominated - Oscar - Best Supporting Actor - "As Good As It Gets")
Kate Winslet (Won - Oscar - Best Actress - "The Reader")
Liev Schreiber (Nominated - Golden Globe - Best Actor (TV Movie) - "RKO 281")
Naomi Watts (Nominated - Oscar - Best Actress - "21 Grams" & "The Impossible")
Kieran Culkin (Nominated - Golden Globe - Best Actor (Comedy/Musical) - "Igby Goes Down")
Emma Stone (Nominated - Golden Globe - Best Actress (Comedy/Musical) - "Easy A")
Richard Gere (Won - Golden Globe - Best Actor (Comedy/Musical) - "Chicago")
Uma Thurman (Nominated - Oscar - Best Supporting Actress - "Pulp Fiction")
Bobby Cannavale (Won - Emmy - Guest Actor (Comedy Series) - "Will & Grace")
Chloe Grace Moretz (Won - Young Artist Award - Best Leading Young Actress - "Hugo")
Stephen Merchant (Won - BAFTA, WGA Award, Primetime Emmy - for Co-creating 'The Office")
Terrence Howard (Nominated - Oscar - Best Actor - "Hustle & Flow")

I hope they all made plenty of money on this one.

Grade: F
Easter Egg: No
3D: N/A

Starring: Listed Above
Director: Multiple
Writer(s): Here is the full list.
RT: 90 min
Rating: R for strong pervasive crude and sexual content including dialogue, graphic nudity, language, some violence and drug use

Mama (2013)

With each new film I see of Jessica Chastain's, I begin to realize she has a wealth of talent, and enough range to spare. Which is what helped me enjoy Andres Muschietti's "Mama" (based off of his 2008 short film of the same name) more than I would have had she not been in it. Though the premise is a very intriguing one, there isn't much new that Muschietti does with it. The first two acts of the film play out fairly well with a few decent, if not very predictable, chills and scares. The third act unfortunately falls into a goofy horror movie pattern, with a reveal of a ghost that is less frightening, and more laughable. The only other perfromance of note is that of young Megan Charpentier, who almost seemed doomed to play "Young Amanda Seyfried" for the rest of her life. She sells the creepiness of the ghost, until it is ruined by its own bad design, and the isolation of her character from years of living without human contact (aside from her sister). Great editing and cinematography help to keep this film on its feet, and stop it from falling into completely corny territory.

Grade: C
Easter Egg: No
3D: N/A (though it may have worked)

Starring: Jessica Chastain, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Megan Charpentier
Director: Andres Muschietti
Writer(s): Neil Cross, Andres Muschietti & Barbara Muschietti
RT: 100 min
Rating: PG-13 for violence and terror, some disturbing images and thematic elements

Stand Up Guys (2013)

It has been since Christopher Nolan's remake of "Insomnia" in 2002, that I have even cared about what Al Pacino was up to. He has done a string of films so awful since then, it was a wonder he even bothered to show his face in another film (okay, "Ocean's Thirteen" wasn't bad). "Stand Up Guys" is officially the end of that downward spiral. Director Fisher Stevens, working from first time feature writer Noah Haidle's script, has made a heartfelt and emotional film that features some great performances from its leading men. Though it does rely on some typical old man jokes early on, it really begins to take off once we get to know the characters. Pacino's Val has just been released from prison after 28 years, and his best friend, and former partner-in-crime, Doc (played by perfectly Christopher Walken) is about to show him a night on the town. The only catch is that Doc is supposed to kill Val by the following morning. The chemistry between the two is impeccable, and when Alan Arkin (playing a retired wheelman they spring from a nursing home) enters the picture, the laughs become more frequent, and it really becomes a picture worth watching. This is easily my favorite film so far this year, which isn't saying much (January was just awful), but I'm still going to put it out there.

Grade: A-
Easter Egg: No
3D: N/A

Starring: Christopher Walken, Al Pacino, Alan Arkin
Director: Fisher Stevens
Writer(s); Noah Haidle
RT: 94 min
Rating: R for Lanuage, Violence, and Sexual References and Situations

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

"Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters" is the newest offering from the writer and director of the wildly entertaining "Dead Snow", Tommy Wirkola. However, "H & G" doesn't take the same gleeful campiness that "Dead Snow" did. It shows flashes of B-movie silliness from time to time, but falls into trying to be edgy, and winds up taking itself a little too seriously. Stars Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton keep the action from getting too bogged down, and they both entertain thoroughly. I'm a little biased toward Famke Janssen, so I think she did a wonderful job relishing in her role as the grand witch, but you're welcome to challenge me on that. I doubt you will. The special effects are so-so, and the editing moves along at a quick clip, so the pace doesn't get a chance to drop. Overall I couldn't suggest going to the theatre for this one, but it is often a lot of fun, and could be worth a view when released on DVD.

Grade: C+
Easter Egg: Sadly no
3D: No

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen
Director: Tommy Wirkola
Writer(s): Tommy Wirkola & Dante Harper
RT: 88 min
Rating: R for Violence and Language

Broken City (2013)

Last year Mark Wahlberg starred in one of the better January releases, "Contraband", a film that helped prove that films from this time of year aren't all bad (see also: "Haywire" and "The Grey"). This year he produced, and starred in, the Allen Hughes (of the Hughes Brothers) helmed project "Broken City"; a political thriller that proves why some films are released against the Oscar-buzz films that fill the screens around this time. Wahlberg plays a disgraced police officer who, seven years after gunning down a suspected rapist, becomes a private eye, only to be caught up in a murder case tied into the NYC mayoral race. Though the actors, such as Wahlberg, Russell Crowe, and Jefferey Wright, handle the material well, giving solid performances, the script offers little that is interesting. The scandal set into action in "Broken City" moves along at a slow pace, and unfolds with little shock. By the time you reach the climax, you've already figured out each move,or you fell asleep.

Grade: D+
Easter Egg: No
3D: N/A

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Russell Crowe, Jefferey Wright
Director: Allen Hughes
Writer(s): Brian Tucker
RT: 109 min
Rating: R for pervasive language, some sexual content and violence

The Last Stand (2013)

I was really hoping that "The Last Stand" was going to be a loud, cheesy, and fun action film like "The Expendables". Instead it was just loud and cheesy, like the "The Expendables 2". It had all of the makings of a fun, mindless action: a notable action star (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a goofy supporting cast (Johnny Knoxville, Luis Guzman, the quarterback from "Friday Night Lights"), spiffy one-liners, and a horrible plot that wouldn't get in the way of all of the awesome violence that was bound to happen. Somehow, the formula didn't work out the way I hoped it would. I wasn't having much fun. Schwarzenegger seemed rusty, and the directing was half-assed at best. Peter Stormare, for the short amount of time he was on screen, was a pretty decent villain (Much more interesting than the main bad guy). This is seriously one you can skip, but you probably already knew that.

Grade: D
Easter Egg: No
3D: N/A

5 Favorites: Christopher Walken

WHY HAS THIS NOT HAPPENED YET?! I have admired since the first film I saw him in when I was seven, and now he is among the greatest influences in my life. With the release of "Stand Up Guys" this weekend, I couldn't think of a better person to dedicate a short list of worship to. Born Ronald Walken in 1943, he and his two brothers started out as child actors on television, and soon he became a lion tamer when he was 15 (no joke, read this interview). After a year at Hofstra University, Walken dropped out to seek fame on Broadway, and found himself studying dance in music theatre at the Washington Dance Studio.  He made his film debut in Sidney Lumet's 1972 film "The Anderson Tapes", and the rest is history. So let's take a look at some of it.

5. Batman Returns (1992)

I could have put anything from "True Romance" to "The King of New York" to the Oscar Nominated role in "Catch Me if You Can" in this spot, but I used the personal favorite spot to put up the first role I ever saw Walken in. Tim Burton cast Walken as Gotham business mogul, Max Shreck, in his second installment of the "Batman" series. This really isn't one of his best roles, seriously, but it introduced me, and for that I am eternally grateful to it. Walken is silly, over-the-top, and cartoony as this villain who inadvertently creates Catwoman by pushing Selina Kyle out of a window.

4. Seven Psychopaths (2012)

Spoiler Alert: This was one of those moments where, after seeing Walken essentially play himself for years (because he could), you could tell he wan't phoning it in with this one. Through the film you hear the story of a Quaker who stalks the killer of his daughter, and drives him to suicide, in turn slitting his own throat to follow him to Hell. This turns out to be Hans: a man who kidnaps dogs, and returns them for the reward to help pay for his wife's hospital bills. Walken is tender and comical in this role, and he turns out to be the very soul of the film. From his introduction to his death he commands every bit of screen he inhabits, and every bit of attention from the audience.

3. The Prophecy (1993)

HOLY CRAP! Is Walken creepy in this film,or what? He plays the Angel Gabriel who has fallen to Earth to find a dark soul that will help him overthrow Heaven for placing man above all creatures. He is so shady, and so slimy in this film, that is hard not to fall in love with the way he moves through the world created. His singular focus drives his psychopathic behavior, and his imposing demeanor toward the human characters is often unnerving. This is truly the typical Walken character at its absolute best.

2. The Deer Hunter (1978)

This is such a heart-breaking film, and Walken is the one who breaks most of it. His gritty portrayal of a Pennsylvania Steel worker thrust into the Vietnam War is haunting and worthy of the many accolades that were given to him, including the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. The isolation and pain he exuded in every scene was brilliant, and his fear and desperation while being forced to play Russian Roulette is so honestly played that is hard to watch that scene without shifting in your seat. Great performances like this only happen every so often, and thankfully for us, this was one of them.

1. The Dead Zone (1983)

You probably thought I was going to pick Walken's scene stealing role in Quentin Tarantino's "Pulp Fiction" for the number one spot, didn't you? With only five spots, and the brilliant performance in "Seven Psychopaths", I couldn't fit it. However, only four years after winning an Oscar, we got Walken starring as Johnny Smith in David Cronenberg's adaptation of Stephen King's "The Dead Zone". After being in a coma for five years, following a near fatal car crash,  Smith awakens to find the world has moved on without him, his girlfriend is married with a child, he now walks with a limp, and, OH YEAH, he can now see the future when he touches people. Walken is brilliant in this tale of morality and the measure of a man when he is pushed to do the right thing. If you haven't seen this wonderful adaptation, you absolutely should. It is one of Cronenberg's sanest films, and one of the few times you don't get to see Walken play one of his trademark Walken characters.

Also:
This Fatboy Slim Video
This brilliant SNL sketch
And this hilarious "Walking Dead" parody. It doesn't have Walken in it, but it's still good.

Pass or Fail: So Funny, It's Scary

Horror and Comedy have gone hand in hand since Bud Abbott and Lou Costello met Frankenstein in 1948. Since then, with quite a bit of frequency, the two genres have mashed up quite a bit. Whether it is a horror film with comedy roots like Roman Polanski's "The Fearless Vampire Killers" or Drew Goddard's "Cabin in the Woods", a horror film with meta/spoof intentions like Wes Craven's "Scream", or a straight spoof like "Tucker and Dale Versus Evil", there seems to be no shortage of these movies. This year has already disgraced us with "A Haunted House", the continuation of the terrible work the Wayans Brothers started with their "Scary Movie" series. So, let's see what we have!

Pass: Warm Bodies:

I will admit that this sounded like a terrible idea when I first read the synopsis. Zombies becoming human again with the power of love? Really? However, with each trailer and every new bit of film I see I become more interested. The premise still sounds like it could go wrong, but the execution in this trailer is just light enough that it looks like a lot of fun. I was also under the assumption that John Malkovich, playing the girl's father, was going to be the main opposition in the film. Now it seems that a subset of even in worse Zombies are going to be a pretty big problem for the newly revived undead. Also, any trailer that keep me from wanting to punch Rob Corddry in the neck, should automatically get a pass.

Fail: Scary Movie 5:

Now for the actual continuation of the terrible work that the Wayans Brothers started. I don't even know where to start with how bad this trailer is. Ashley Tisdale, from the Disney Channel, starts out this pathetic trailer that will become the second "Paranormal Activity" spoof in four months. It moves through a meat head husband (or boyfriend. Whatever), an unfunny Katt Williams cameo, and a surprisingly close-to-the-real-thing Leonardo DiCaprio from "Inception"look alike, that eventually ends up in an anus joke. Of course it ends in meta jokes about troubled celebrities who give tounge-in-cheek references toward their indiscretions., and Charlie Sheen getting repeatedly hit in the balls. Remember "Airplane!"? Well, David Zucker, one of the three men responsible for "Airplane!", co-wrote this film.

Extra Pass: "Mama" - I usually put something funny on here, but I will let Guillermo Del Toro explain what I am putting the short film "Mama" on here.

Friday's List: Top 10 Worst Oscar Snubs of 2012

Here is the problem with subjective mediums: people have favorites, and when those favorites aren't put up for major accolades, we movie geeks get mad. So we get onto our high and mighty blogs and complain about why the movies we liked were far superior to the ones that other people liked. Being the walking cliche that I am, I really did not want to miss out this opportunity. So, I present you with the annual list of films that I thought should have gotten a nomination for an Academy Award, and the usurper that took its place. Enjoy!

10. The Avengers (Best Original Song)

The Academy gets the Original Song category wrong all of the time. There are plenty of awesome songs that are released in films every year, and they never seem to get recognized. Look at the soundtracks to "Godzilla" and "Batman Forever". Those had some of the most amazing songs from any movie ever, and not a single one got nominated. Soundgarden wrote the perfect song for one of the best summer blockbuster of 2012, and got no recognition. It was also the first song they had recorded together since their 1996 album "Down on the Upside", and it was like they had not missed a step together. However, the Academy doesn't recognize awesome as a form of music, and nominated a bunch of less awesome songs instead. And that Adele song from "Skyfall". That song was awesome.

What Should Not Have Been Nominated: "Suddenly" from "Les Miserables". THIS SONG SUCKS! Like every other crappy song in this poor excuse for a movie musical!

What Should Win: "Skyfall" - Adele Adkins & Paul Epworth
What Will Probably Win: "Skyfall" - Adele Adkins & Paul Epworth

9. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Best Costume - Bo Buck, Ann Maskrey, & Richard Taylor)

For some reason, "The Hobbit" only has three nominations, and not one for costuming. "But, Paul," you say, "The original trilogy won enough Oscars for both of them. Peter Jackson doesn't need that many awards for the same series." And to you, I say, "Bah!" "The Hobbit" was a glorious return to Middle Earth, and every single one of those dwarves looked awesome! What is so special about the costuming in any of the other films nominated in this category that makes them better suited to win over "The Hobbit"?

What Should Not Have Been Nominated: I would take either of the miserable Snow White films out this category, because how the blue hell did they get nominated for anything in the first place?

What Should Win: Lincoln - Joanna Johnston
What Will Probably Win: Les Miserables - Paco Delgado

8. Skyfall (Best Supporting Actor - Javier Bardem)

I want to start out by saying that this could just as easily have been Judi Dench as M. However, Javier Bardem was even creepier in this film than he was in "No Country For Old Men", and gave the most nuanced performance from any Bond character in all 23 films. He played a former MI6 agent named Silva who was left on his own by M when he became a little to intense with his cyber capabilities  His villain was so good, he reminded of Anthony Hopkins in "Silence of the Lambs". I mean, just look at that face. Those eyes.  Give this man another nomination already!

What Should Not Have Been Nominated: Honestly, I can't take anyone out of this category, because they all did a great job. So, I'll just go with Alan Arkin in "Argo", because he impressed me the least, and he got his for "Little Miss Sunshine" a few years ago.

What Should Win: "Silver Linings Playbook" - Rober De Niro
What Will Probably Win: "Lincoln" - Tommy Lee Jones

7. Beasts of the Southern Wild: (Cinematography - Ben Richardson)

I am so thrilled that I don't have to put Quvenzhane Wallis' name on this list, because she was thankfully nominated for Best Actress. The Academy did overlook Ben Richardson for a well shot movie, and this was a downright mistake. "Beasts" was one the grimiest, grittiest, most well shot films of this year. Richardson and director Benh Zeitlin captured the very essence of "The Bathtub", and made the audience fell like they were part of the experience. Somehow (thankfully) Zeitlin got his due, and Richardson did not.

What Should Not Have Been Nominated: As well shot as it was, I'm going to say that Seamus McGarvey's work on "Anna Karenina" is one that could have been skipped.

What Should Win: "Lincoln" - Janusz Kaminski
What Will Probably Win: "Life of Pi" - Claudio Miranda

6. Django Unchained (Best Actor - Jamie Foxx)

"Django Unchained" may have been one of the single most entertaining films of the year, and every performance was better than the last. Where I could have, once again, put someone like Samuel L. Jackson on this list, for his hysterical turn as Stephen, I thought Foxx deserved a nod for a very quiet, and nuanced, performance as the the title character. He is cool, angry, and has a great character arc (from being a slave, to being an apprentice with morals about killing, to being a cold-blooded killer who will gun down an unarmed woman without batting an eye), and he handles each act with ease and style. Bright blue style!

What Should Not Have Been Nominated: How awful was Hugh Jackman in "Les Miserables"? He was almost as bad as Russell Crowe in "Les Miserables".

What Should Win: "Lincoln" - Daniel Day-Lewis
What Will Probably Win: "Lincoln" - Daniel Day-Lewis

5. Moonrise Kingdom (Best Original Score - Alexandre Desplat)

Most of the time I don't get lost in scores. They're there, and I can hear what they are trying to accomplish, but it takes a hell of a score to really get me to notice. There are possibly five films a year that really jump out at me with thier scores, and "Moonrise Kingdom" had the lightest, most fun of all of the music I had heard this year. Alexandre Desplat (who was very busy this year) matched this quirky Wes Anderson film's felling frame by frame with pure giddiness. There is even a great piece over the credits that could have been considered for Best Original Song.

What Should Not Have Been Nominated: Since Desplat was nominated for "Argo" instead, I would just switch the film, and keep the nod.

What Should Win: "Skyfall" - Thomas Newman
What Will Probably Win: "Life of Pi" - Mychael Danna

4. Looper (Bast Makeup and Hairstyling)

Sometimes there are things that should just happen. Things that, for no other reason than they just deserve it, should totally happen. I thought the makeup in "Looper" getting nominated was a no-brainer, and one of those things. Joseph Gordon-Levitt looked so much like Bruce Willis, it was jaw-dropping. There was even a montage of what his character, Joe, was up to during the span of time when the film takes place and the time Bruce Willis is from in which they slowly age Levitt into Willis, and the transition is perfect.

What Should Not Have Been Nominated: There were only three nominees, so nothing should have to be dropped. However, I would have dropped "Les Mis" anyway. That movie sucks.

What Should Win: "The Hobbit" - Peter King, Rick Findlater, & Tami Lane
What Will Probably Win: "Les Miserables" - Lisa Westcott & Julie Dartnell

3. Seven Psychopaths (Best Original Screenplay - Martin McDonagh)

The "original" screenplay category is easily my most hated category the Oscars has. It hardly ever rewards actual originality (this year's crop is better than most), and instead gives it to a really good film that was in no way original (I'm looking at you "Good Will Hunting"), or based off of a true story ("The King's Speech"). But, when a film with a little imagination or original thought comes about, it may get a nomination ("Memento", "Pan's Labyrinth") but it will almost always lose to a film like "Little Miss Sunshine" (still good, but not THAT original). "Seven Psychopaths" is the most hilarious, most original film of this year, but without proper campaigning, it failed to get any nominations including for its marvelously written script.

What Should Not Have Been Nominated: Every film nominated is on my best of 2012 list, and it is hard for me to pick, but I will pick "Zero Dark Thirty" because original screenplays based off of true stories always irk me.

 What Should Win: "Moonrise Kingdom" - Wes Anderson & Roman Coppola
What Will Probably Win: Zero Dark Thirty - Mark Boal

2. Moonrise Kingdom (Best Picture)

Why does the Academy hate Wes Anderson? He has only been nominated for three Oscars, and lost two of them (he is nominated this year for Best Original Screenplay). Granted "Fantastic Mr. Fox" did lose to "Up", the film that made every human being cry in the first ten minutes. Nonetheless, he received no nominations for "Bottle Rocket" or "Rushmore", and only got a nod for screenplay for "The Royal Tenenbaums". All, if not just "Tenenbaums, should have gotten more nominations including Best Picture. Here we are again, and Anderson has created one of the best films of the year, and he is holding only one nomination. No director nod, no picture nod. Why does the Academy hate Wes Anderson?

What Should Not Have Been Nominated: "LES MISERABLES"!!!! Even with only nine nominations, this movie should never have been nominated.

What Should Win: "Lincoln"
What Will Probably Win: "Lincoln" (hopefully)

1. The Dark Knight Rises (Anything!)

Ok! As much as I love, love, LOVE this film, "anything" does not mean Best Picture. "The Dark Knight Rises" was great, but not as Best Picture worthy as as its predecessor, but come on! Not one nomination? Not one for Art/Set Direction? Bane's sewer hideout was breath-taking, and the court room was as surreal and messy as it needed to be. Not one for costuming? The costuming in this film was better than just about any other film this year, down to the jerseys and t-shirts made for the Gotham Rogues. Not one for Cinematography? Wally Pfister proved that he could make Batman work as much in the daylight, as he could in the dark. Not one for Sound Mixing or Editing? This is just the kind of film that generally gets put into these categories. Even "Transformers 2: Electric Boogaloo" even got nominated for Sound Mixing. Not one for editing? I can't really make a fair argument for this, except that it was well edited. Not one for Visual Effects? How cool was the Bat? Really?! Not one for Best Supporting Actor?! Gary Oldman gave Gordon so much range in this film, topping even the performance he gave in the last film! His first nomination ever was last year for "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy", and lost it to Jean Dujardin, a man who barely talked. Love it or hate it, there should not have been a lack of nominations for all of the things were agreeably great about this film.

The Baytown Outlaws (2013)

As far as action films go, "The Baytown Outlaws" is a pretty decent film. It is film about three convict brothers from Alabama who are hired by a woman to rescue her godson from her abusive ex. As the film progresses, the men who a brought in to hunt down the brothers become weirder and more violent. There was nothing that really stood out about this film: the acting was okay, the writing was fun, but stale at times, and Barry Battles' directing really tries to accomplish something, but comes off as more cartoony than artsy. Despite having great talents like Billy Bob Thornton and Andre Braugher in its ranks, "Outlaws" pushes them to the background, and focuses on the three brothers who lack the charisma to make the film more interesting. I did like the animated look into their past so much, that I wish there was more of that in the film. There wasn't. Oh well.

Grade: C-
Easter Egg: No
3D: N/A

Starring: Clayne Crawford, Travis Fimmel, Daniel Cudmore
Director: Barry Battles
Writer(s): Barry Battles & Griffin Hood
RT: 98 min
Rating: R for strong bloody violence, pervasive language, some sexual and drug content

A Haunted House (2013)

Ghost. Busted.

After making "Don't Be a Menace..." and the first "Scary Movie", the Wayans brothers just stopped making good movies. Now the youngest of the Wayans Brothers, Marlon, has struck out on his own; co-starring and co-writing his first film under his Baby Way productions. Though he is out from beneath the shadows of his brothers, Marlon proves that making the same old crap is all he is capable of doing. "A Haunted House" is another parody with too few laughs, and too many bad jokes. Taking on the "Paranormal Activity" series, this found footage spoof screams each sex joke with as if nobody had ever heard one before, and parades a cast of annoying characters around that are so teeth-grindingly bad, it makes one wonder which one of the two writers  were responsible for them so you knew which to smack harder.

Grade: F
Easter Egg: ?
3D: N/A

Starring: Marlon Wayans, Essence Atkins, Marlene Forte
Director: Michael Tiddes
Writer(s): Marlon Wayans & Rick Alvarez
RT: 86 min
Rating: R for crude and sexual content, language and some drug use

A Dark Truth (2013)

Water Bored

"A Dark Truth", the new film from writer/director Damian Lee, is a political thriller with a very noble purpose, but it misses the mark by quite a bit. The plot centers around a small village in South America whose water supply has been bought up by a Canadian corporation, and then poisoned. Andy Garcia plays a talk radio host with a dark past who is sent in to rescue a whistleblower (Forest Whitaker) after the local military massacres the villagers. The performances were fine, especially Kim Coates as the evil CEO of the corporation, but the dialogue was bland and uninspired. Garcia plays his badass with the same hushed raspy tone as he normally plays his badasses with, and Whitaker brings his usual simplicity to the role without over playing it. Lee's direction has many flaws, and his handling of his own material was sophomoric at best. He never seems to find the intrigue in the plot, and leaves the audience without anything to be interested in.

Grade: D+
Easter Egg: No
3D: N/A

Starring: Andy Garcia, Forest Whitaker, Eva Longoria
Director: Damian Lee
Writer(s): Damian Lee
RT: 106 min
Rating: R for violence and disturbing images

2012: My 20 Most Hated Films

Why? Why do I, year in and year out, continue to imbibe in horrifically bad films? I guess my addiction, and my love for movies, means I have to endure the bad to enjoy the greatness of films such as "Lincoln" or "Hugo". This year brought some real turds, and I'll be damned if I didn't sit through every minute of them. Please do keep in mind that I didn't see every film this year. "Twilight 27" was not even an option for me to see, and there are some others I just didn't get to. So if you thought it was crap, and I didn't list it please let me know what it was, and why you hated it.

20. Underworld: Awakening (26%)

I was shocked to see this movie happened. They keep releasing sequels in this series, and they only seem to keep getting worse. Please, Kate Beckinsale, I urge you to stop signing onto these movies, because I'm beginning to get worried about you. When you can't get your leading man back, and are forced to kill his CGI image in the first ten minutes of film, you should know to stop making the films. The rest of the movie doesn't get any better from there.

Most Embarassing Moment: The whole deal with Scott Speedman being digitally inserted.

19. Rock of Ages (41%)

I'm usually fine with adaptations if the keep the spirit of what they updating, and "Rock of Ages" took all of the fun and self-parody out of the stage play, and turned into a more serious, somewhat jokey, version of itself. What else can we expect from the director of the horrible film version of "Hairspray"? A screechy lead actress, a lack of chemistry of anyone on screen with anyone else, and "Don't Stop Believing" are just a few things that make this unbearable to watch. About the only thing that is watchable in this film is Paul Giamatti.

Most Embarassing Moment: The opening song fails to set the film up.

18. Dark Tide (0%)

This is one of those films in which a star has fallen so far from grace, they will do anything to try to get back on top. "Dark Tide" was Halle Berry's way of trying to remind people that she was once a hot commodity, by featuring her heavily in a bikini. It was as if she was saying, "Remember when showing my breasts in "Swordfish" was news worthy?" And the answer was, "If it wasn't for some expert underwater cinematography, no one would even care that this movies existed."

Most Embarassing Moment: Anything not shot above water.

17. This is 40 (51%)

Apatow is usually very spot on with the work he puts out. "40 Year-Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up" had a lot of heart, and "Bridesmaids", which he produced, was easily one of the best films of last year. This film, however, lacks any shred of happiness, or decency. There is a moment in the beginning of the film when the family is arguing over whether music should make people happy, or if it should make people feel something deeper. "This is 40" did neither.

Most Embarassing Moment:

16. The Three Stooges (52%)

How do you ruin "The Three Stooges?" It is three grown men hitting each other with blunt objects! It shouldn't be that hard to make it at least entertaining. It wasn't. Not even the least bit. The three leads were awful together, and trying to get from gag to gag was painful. With "There's Something About Mary" and "Kingpin", it seemed like the Farrelly Brothers were poised to be the reining kings of comedy for years to come. After this and "Hall Pass", I'm ready for them to never make another film again.

15. Silent Hill: Revalation (6%)

Sequels that don't need to happen happen all the time, and this one, for whatever stupid reason, happened. It took six years to get it out, but it happened. A rushed story and clunky dialogue were expected, and bad acting was bound to happen. What I didn't expect was Sean Bean just crapping all over the film, collecting his paycheck, and making me sad that I am a fan of his. I watched the Youtube compilation of him dying about twenty times just to be able to look at him in better films again.

14. The Lorax (55%)

This is the worst thing to happen to Dr. Suess since he died. "The Lorax" is one of his best books, and the moral center of it didn't need a bunch of bells and whistles to be that way. What Illumination Entertainment has done is try to make it more of a companion piece to its inexplicably popular film "Despicable Me" instead of creating a robust fantasy world that could stand on its own. The poorly written music and bad comedy that was put in it didn't help me like it any better.

Most Embarassing Moment: The Onceler's song about being greedy.

13. Dark Shadows (38%)

There isn't much that is redeeming about Tim Burton's adaptation of one of the most horrible shows in the history of British television. The writing is massively sub-par, and the acting is completely stale, except for Johnny Depp, who continues to play Jack Sparrow in every movie he is in (and it looks like he play him in "The Lone Ranger"). Burton continues to miss the mark with every new film he manages to crap out. This especially pains me, being a fan of his for as long as I can remember.

Most Embarassing Moment: A toss-up between Depp's unimaginative performance and Johnny Lee Miller's hair

12. 21 Jump Street (84%)

I'm confused at how this movie is gaining a lot of positive attention. Despite a fair performance by Channing Tatum, this film is the same style of goof off improv comedy that has been panned by critics left and right. It also follows in the vain of taking an old property and making it a parody of itself. Jonah Hill plays the same awkward idiot he always plays (Except in "Moneyball" and this year's "Django Unchained". Though he is looking a lot healthier these days), and the cast of character actors fumble through the plot. By the time the movie gets to cameo payoff near the end, all interest is lost.

Most Embarassing Moment: The two leads take the synthetic drug they are trying to stop, and hilarity does not ensue.

11. Playback (0%)

Toothless horror films are some of my favorite films. They tend to take themselves as serious as they possibly can, and never seem to become suspenseful at any point. "Playback" lacks any sufficient scares, and boasts a group of actors who seem as if they could care less if it does. I laughed more in this film than any other comedy on this list combined.

10. Nature Calls

Patton Oswalt has had a mostly solid career. Which makes me wonder if this was a passion project, or a favor to a friend, because there is nothing worth watching in this film. Johnny Knoxville and Rob Riggle (who is just an awful actor) scream their way through Todd Rohal's flat script. A script that is filled with a lot verbal abuse toward women and even more cussing at children. I guess that is supposed to be funny. Maura Tierney is too talented for this film, and Patrice O'Neal died before it came out. What a horrible film to be your last.

9. The Watch

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Aliens attack a sleepy suburban neighborhood, and so do a bunch of improvised semen jokes. This film was an absolute waste of any talent that crossed the screen. Especially the brilliant comic mind of Richard Ayoade (pictured above for people who haven't yet discovered "The IT Crowd"). The aliens looked kind of cool, but they were used in such a bad fashion that I almost wanted to give up being a sci-fi fanatic.

8. Beneath the Darkness

This may have been the funniest horror/suspense film of the year. Dennis Quaid plays a creepy guy living in an old house, doing weird shit, and a bunch of teenagers try to figure out what he is up to. It's like "Fright Night" minus the vampires, or anything interesting. I hope 2013 holds as bad of horror films as this mess, because I'm always in the mood for a good laugh.

7. Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection

Tyler Perry tried his best, or at least I assumed he tried, to capitalize on the current economic crisis with a terribly unfunny comedy. Serving as writer, producer, director, three different roles, and probably script supervisor, best boy grip, and assistant gaffer as well, he does nothing from letting this film go down the toilet very fast. Bad performances stem from a script so horrendous it felt like a rushed, and obvious, cash grab. After his far better "Good Deeds" from early in the year, I was hoping not to see Madea on screen again. High hopes always lead to larger disappointments.

6. The Campaign

Will Ferrell. What can I say? He just continues to pile crap on top of crap. "Anchorman", "Blades of Glory", "Step Brothers", "Semi-Pro", and now this. He teams up with Zach Galifanakis (who also has some awful films to his credit) to produce of barrage of unfunny jokes and scenes connected together to make a preposterously bad film that drags down the likes of John Lithgow and some other note worthy actors who don't belong here.

5. Piranha 3DD

There is the fine line between making campy horror, and a really bad film. "Piranha 3D" was campy and fun, relishing in the fact that it was gleefully skipping into cult status. "Piranha 3DD" lacked any of the things that made its predecessor such a goofy film. Instead it was a rushed, stupid mess that focused so hard on blood and boobs that it forgot anything else, and just stole its plot mainly from Jaws 3 (the second worst Jaws). It was sad to watch this attempt to start a franchise that should never be.

4. Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

I really don't know what I expected when I watched this movie, and I got an experience I wish I could wipe from my memory. This niche style of comedy does not appeal to me, and the fact that it will drag jokes on long after they stopped being funny is such a bore that I think I may fallen asleep at some point, just to wake up and realize that going back to rewatch what I missed was not worth it. Or I just repressed the memories of those moments because they were that horrifying.

3. The Devil Inside

I dislike the found footage genre. I have probably said this a thousand times, and this was the worst of the entire lot this year. Where "End of Watch" and "Chronicle" had things I truly liked about them, this piece of crap had nothing redeeming. The story was weak, the actors were laughable, and it had no ending (something that actually worked for "Killer Joe"). I felt like I needed an exorcism after this movie, just so I could get it out of my system.

2. That's My Boy

Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg released two movies together this year. One was the entertaining, but overall middling "Hotel Transylvania". The other was this wretched pile of Happy Madison nonsense. It had all of the immature staples of a bad Sandler film, a couple of cameos that could have been good, but lasted too long to be funny, and Nick Swardson playing another REALLY stupid character. I know this was an easy, and predictable pick to be this high, but it really was THAT bad.

1. The Comedy

The funniest about "The Comedy" is its horribly ironic title. This is the second entry on this list to feature "comedians" Tim & Eric, and for good reason. This one, however, was directed by Rick Alverson and written by some other people, who I honestly don't care to look up. I thought it couldn't get any worse than the other piece of crap they released earlier in the year, but it did. This film was so bad, I couldn't even finish it. That is an honor only placed amongst a handful of other films including "Catwoman" and "The Phantom of the Opera" with Gerard Butler. (P.S. I wrote the introduction before I tried to watch this.)

2013 in Film

Every year I keep a comprehensive list of the films that were released, and that I have seen, during the year. I used to do it free hand (if you don't believe me, I can show you), but 5 years ago, I started keeping them on my computer. This year I thought I would put it up on the blog in case anybody had any questions. I pull these straight off of the iMDB "coming soon" section and the Wikipedia "2013 in Film" page.

January 4th
A Dark Truth - D+
Texas Chainsaw - D

January 11th
The Baytown Outlaws - C-
Fairhaven - C+
Gangster Squad - B+
A Haunted House - F
Matru ki Bijlee ka Mandola -
Struck By Lightining - C
$ellebrity -
Storage 24 - C+
The Tower - A

January 18th
Broken City - D+
The Last Stand - D
Luv - D
Mama - C
Outside Satan -

January 25th
Hansel and Gretle: Witch Hunters - C+
Happy People: A Year in the Taiga - A
John Dies at the End - B-
Kinfe Fight - C-
Movie 43 - F
Noobz - C-
Parker - D
Race 2 -
Yossi -

February 1st
Bullet to the Head - C-
The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia - D
Koch -
Sound City - A
Stand Up Guys - A-
Warm Bodies - B+

February 8th
Identity Thief - D
Lore -
The Playroom - C-
Side Effects - A
Spiders - D-

February 14th/15th
Beautiful Creatures -
Escape From Planet Earth - C-
A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III - B-
A Good Day to Die Hard - C
Like Someone in Love -
The Package - D
The Power of Few -
Safe Haven - D+

February 22nd
Bless Me, Ultima -
Dark Skies - B
Inescapable -
Kai Po Che! -
Snitch - C

March 1st
The End of Love -
Hava Nagila: The Movie -
I, Me aur Main -
Jack the Giant Slayer -
The Last Exorcism Part II -
Leonie -
The Lost Medallion: the Adventures of Billy Stone - F
Phantom - D
A Place at the Table -
Stoker - D-
21 and Over - D-
The Unspeakable Act -

March 8th
The ABC's of Death - B
Beyond the Hills -
Dead Man Down - B-
Don't Stop Believin': Everyman's Journey - B
Emperor - B-
Oz the Great and Powerful - B+
The Silence -

March 15th
The Call -
From Up on Poppy Hill -
Ginger and Rosa -
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone - B+
K-11 -
The Kitchen - B
Mindless Behavior: All Around the World - B-
Reality -
Reincarnated - C
Upside Down - B-

March 22nd
Admission -
Come Out and Play - C
The Croods - B
Gimme the Loot - A-
The Happy Poet - B
Hunky Dory - C+
InAPPropriate Comedy - F
Love and Honor - C
Murph: the Protector -
My Brother the Devil - A-
No Place on Earth - A
Olympus Has Fallen - C
A Resurrection - F
The Sapphires - B
Spring Breakers - C-

March 29th
Blancanieves -
G.I. Joe: Retaliation - C+
The Host - D
Mental - B-
The Place Beyond the Pines - B+
Room 237 - A
Starbuck - A-
Tyler Perry's Temptation -
Welcome to the Punch - B
Wrong - B-

April 5th
6 Souls -
The Brass Teapot - B-
The Company You Keep -
Eddie: the Sleepwalking Cannibal -
Evil Dead - B+
Free Angela & All Political Prisoners -
Jurassic Park 3D - A
Simon Killer -
Trance - A-
Upstream Color -

April 12th
42 - B+
The Angels' Share -
Antiviral -
It's a Disaster - B
Disconnect - B
Into the White -
Not Today -
Scary MoVie - D-
To the Wonder -

April 19th
Filly Brown -
In the House -
The Lords of Salem  -
Oblivion -

April 26th
Arthur Newman - D
At Any Price -
The Big Wedding -
Graceland - B-
Mud - A
Pain & Gain - F
The Reluctant Fundamentalist -

May 3rd
Cinco de Mayo, La Batalla -
Dead Man's Burden -
1st Night -
Generation Um...
Greetings form Tim Buckley -
The Iceman - B+
Iron Man 3 - B
Kiss of the Damned -
Love is All You Need -
Scatter My Ashes at Bergdorf's - D
Something in the Air -
What Maisie Knew -

May 10th
Aftershock - F
The Great Gatsby -
Java Heat -
No One Lives Here -
One Track Heart: the Story of Krisna Das -
Peeples -
Sightseers -
Venus and Serena - B

May 17th
Augustine -
Black Rock -
The English Teacher -
Erased - D
Frances Ha - A
Star Trek Into Darkness - A-
State 194 -
Stories We Tell -

May 24th
Before Midnight - A
Epic -
Fast & Furious 6 - C
Fill the Void -
The Hangover Part III - F
We Steal Secrets: the Story of Wikileaks - A

May 31st
After Earth - D
The East - C
Hannah Arendt -
The History of Future Folk - A-
The Kings of Summer - B
Now You See Me - C-
Shadow Dancer -

June 7th
Dirty Wars - B
Evocateur: the Morton Downey, Jr. Movie - A-
The Internship - D+
Much Ado About Nothing -
The Purge - C-
Syrup -
Violet & Daisy -
Wish You Were Here - C-

June 14th
Berberian Sound Studio - A-
Fukrey -
Man of Steel - B+
This is the End - B
20 Feet From Stardom - A

June 21st
The Bling Ring - C+
Downloaded -
A Highjacking -
Maniac - C
Monster's University - A-
Unfinished Song -
World War Z - D+

June 28th
Byzantium -
The Heat - D-
I'm So Excited -
Redemption - B+
White House Down - D-

July 5th
Big Star: Nothing Can Hurt Me - A-
Despicable Me 2 - D
Hammer of the Gods - C+
Just Like a Woman -
Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain - B
The Lone Ranger - D-
The Look of Love -
The Way Way Back - A

July 12th
Bhaag Milkha Bhaag -
Crystal Fairy - F
Dealin' With Idiots - B
The Deep -
Fruitvale Station - A+
Grown Ups 2 - D-
The Hot Flashes -
The Hunt -
Killing Season - C
Pacific Rim - B
Pawn Shop Chronicles -
Still Mine -
Terms and Condition May Apply -
V/H/S 2 - B
Viola -

July 19th
The Act of Killing - A
Big Words -
Blackfish - A
The Conjuring - B
D-Day -
Girl Most Likely -
Only God Forgives - C+
Red 2 -
RIPD - C+
Turbo - B-

July 26th
Blue Jasmine - B+
Breaking the Girls - F
Drug War -
The Time Being -
Tiny Times 1.0 -
The To Do List - B-
The Wolverine - B-

August 2nd
The Canyons -
Cockneys vs. Zombies - C+
Drift -
Europa Report - B
The Smurfs 2 - C-
The Spectacular Now -
2 Guns - C

August 9th
Chennai Express -
Elysium - A
I Give It a Year - D-
In A World... -
Lovelace - C
Off Label -
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters - C
Planes -
Prince Avalanche - B
We're the Millers - D-

August 16th
Ain't Them Bodies Saints - A-
Austenland -
The Butler - B+
Cutie and the Boxer -
Jobs - C
Kick-Ass 2 - C-
Paranoia - D+
Standing Up - B-

August 23rd 
Drinking Buddies - C-
The Frozen Ground - C+
The Grandmaster - A-
The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones - F
Savannah -
Scenic Route - B+
Short Term 12 - A+
The Worlds End - A
You're Next - A

August 30th
Closed Circuit - D
Getaway - D
I Declare War - A
Instructions Not Included -
The Lifeguard - C
One Direction: This is Us -
Random -

September 6th
Good Ol' Freda - B
Populaire -
Riddick - D
Salinger -
Suddh Desi Romance -
Touchy Feely - C-
The Ultimate Life -

September 13th
Blue Caprice - B+
The Family - B-
Grand Masti -
Herb and Dorothy 50X50 -
Informant - B+
Insidious: Chapter 2 - D+
Jayne Mansfield's Car -
Mademoiselle C -
Wadjda -

September 20th
Battle of the Year - D
C.O.G.- B
Enough Said - A
Prisoners - A-
A Single Shot -
Thanks For Sharing - B+

September 27th
Baggage Claim - D+
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 - C+
Don Jon - B+
Inequality For All -
Muscle Shoals -
Rush - B
We Are What We Are - B+

October 4th
A.C.O.D. -
All is Bright - B+
Bad Milo - B
Besharam -
Concussion - C
Grace Unplugged -
Gravity - A+
Let the Fire Burn -
Linsanity -
Parkland - B
Pulling Strings -
Runner Runner - C-
The Summit -

October 11th
All the Boys Love Mandy Lane - B+
Captain Phillips - A
CBGB - C+
Escape From Tomorrow - B-
The Inevitable Defeat of Mister & Pete -
Machete Kills - C+
Romeo and Juliet -

October 18th
All is Lost - A
Birth of the Living Dead - A
Carrie - D
Escape Plan - C-
The Fifth Estate -
12 Years a Slave - A

October 25th
Bad Grandpa - C
Bastards -
Blue is the Warmest Color -
Capital -
The Counselor - B
Spinning Plates -
The Square - A

November 1st
About Time - A-
Big Sur - B-
The Broken Circle Breakdown - A-
Dallas Buyers Club - A-
Diana -
Ender's Game - B
Free Birds - C
Last Love - B-
Last Vegas - C+
Man of Tai Chi - B-
Mr. Nobody - A

November 8th
The Armstrong Lie -
Best Man Down - B-
The Book Thief - A-
Go For Sisters -
How I Live Now - C-
The Starving Games - F
Thor: the Dark World - A-

November 15th
12-12-12 -
Best Man Holiday - B-
Charlie Countryman - B-
Dear Mr. Watterson - A
Faust -
Nebraska - A

November 22nd
Delivery Man - B
Gori Tere Pyaar Mein -
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire - B+
Is the Man Who is Tall Happy? -
Philomena - A-

November 29th
Black Nativity - B-
Bullett Raja -
Frozen - B
Homefront -
Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom - C
Oldboy - B+
The Punk Singer - A
Reaching For the Moon -

December 6th
Inside Llewyn Davis - A
The Last Days on Mars - C
Out of the Furnace - B+
Swerve -

December 13th
Here Comes the Devil -
The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug - B+
Hours -
Liv & Ingmar -
Nuclear Nation -
Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas -

December 20th
American Hustle - A
Anchorman 2: the Legend Continues - D
Dhoom: 3 -
Her - A-
The Past -
Saving Mr. Banks - B+
The Selfish Giant -
Walking With the Dinosaurs -

December 27th
47 Ronin - B-
August: Osage County - B+
Grudge Match - D+
The Invisible Woman -
Justin Beiber's Believe -
Lone Survivor - B+
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty - B
The Wolf of Wall Street - A-