The Lone Ranger (2013)

Hear no evil... or dialogue.

Gore Verbinski and a team of writers have managed to do exactly to the Lone Ranger, what Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg did to the Green Hornet. They managed to turn the character into a simpering, clueless dolt who lucks into defeating his opponents, and probably wouldn't if Tonto and Silver weren't around to bail him out. The script was atrocious, filled with awful one-liners and anachronistic references that had me constantly rolling my eyes, until all the movement (or dialogue) made my head hurt. Verbinski's direction is, as usual, flashy and cloying. His action sequences are loud and unbelievable, nearly putting his "Pirates" to shame. Johnny Depp, playing Hunter S. Thompson... I mean Jack Sparrow... I mean Tonto, has finally reached a point where I can't take him seriously as an actor anymore.

For all of its massive flaws there were still some things I enjoyed (begrudgingly). The make-up in the film is so good that when Old Tonto is introduced, it's almost hard to believe that you're looking at Johnny Depp. And William Fitchner looks truly menacing with his scarred face. Speaking of Fitchner being menacing, his acting backs up his make-up. He takes over the screen whenever he appears, and manages not to ham it up too much, like the rest of the cast. Tom Wilkinson, as a railroad employee, also flys a little under the radar with his performance, and brings the film to an almost watchable level (which is too much to ask of anyone). The music, provided by Hans Zimmer, played a little like his "Sherlock Holmes" soundtrack, but often made the scenes bearable when all of the scenery chewing brought them down.

I hope this doesn't turn out a load of crappy sequels. Especially after ruining one of the greatest lines in pop culture. Two and half hours was enough for this franchise.

Grade: D-
3D: Just Don't
Easter Egg: Yes, but just don't

Starring: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, Tom Wilkinson
Director: Gore Verbinski
Writer(s): Justin Haythe, Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio
RT: 149 min
Rating: PG-13 for sequences of intense action and violence, and some suggestive material