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| Heroes in a half shell, writing that was half-assed |
Let us forget the changes to the origin. Let us forget how awful the character designs of the Turtles, Splinter, and Shredder are. Let us even forget that there is a phenomenal new show on Nickelodeon right now, that is everything that this movie is not. None of this is relevant to anything that this is wrong with this movie. It doesn't help, but they shouldn't carry any weight. This movie is mess all on its own without such great source material. There are moments in this film that could have been wildly entertaining, if put in the right hands (read: not Michael Bay's); however, they come so far after you have mentally checked out of the movie, that they hardly register. Fortunately, it wasn't the almost-three-hour run time that we got with "Transformers: Age of Extinction".
Johnathan Liebesman's camera doesn't stay still long enough to to be able watch any of the poorly paced action sequences, that are filled with so many groan inducing one-liners, it is hard to tell which of your senses should be more offended. Most of the actors put in paycheck performances that die on the screen. Especially the usually dependable William Fichtner as Eric Sacks, the evil business man who is responsible for the Turtles mutation, and is a pupil of the Shredder's, despite the fact you never see him practicing martial arts. Come to think of it, the ninja aspect is played down a lot in this movie. The three writers put together an incoherent story, with awkward tonal shifts, that leaves you with too many questions:
Why do none of the foot clan practice Martial Arts? They all carry guns.
Why, if this mutagen makes such perfect beings, does Donatello need glasses?
Why did April O'Neil's father burn down his lab with her inside? (I have a lot of questions about this whole situation)
Why does Shredder need a mechanical suit, and why does it look like a Transformer?
If Shredder was supposed to be Sacks' adoptive father, why do look like they are the same age?
How does a rat teach itself Ninjitsu in the span of what seems to be less than a year?
What was the point of April's room mate when her boss (sadly played by Whoopi Goldberg) serves the exact same story function?
Grade: D
3D: Seriously, don't bother.
Easter Egg: Nope.
Starring: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Creepy CGI creatures
Director: Jonathan Liebesman
Writer(s): Josh Applebaum & Andre Nemec, and Evan Daughtrey - Comic: Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman
RT: 101 min
Rating: PG-13 for sci-fi action violence
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